Graduating Campus Loudmouths Prepare for Irrelevant Lives
ANN ARBOR, MI -- In an annual rite that is bitter for student leaders, sweet for student cynics, and downright meaningless for the other 6 billion people on planet Earth, countless presidents, vice-presidents, treasurers, and ambassadors to Thailand in the 60,000-plus student groups on the U of M Campus will be forced to check their egos at the gates of Michigan Stadium and enter a world that just plain doesn't give a shit about their "leadership experience."
Graduating officials from ISA, DAAP, LSASG, USAC, 2PAC, TUBAB, FINs!, YUMYUM, and I_STALIN, have been steeling themselves for months to prepare for Commencement Day [or Al-Nakba], which they describe a "mystical day of incredible devastation" in which all of their power, influence and popularity suddenly disappear, rreducing them to depressed, lonely, socially awkward individuals chronically unable to get any action--much like regular really-annoying people.
Interim-President B. Joseph White was all too happy to meditate on the insignificance of by-the-numbers activism. "Graduation is a real litmus test for student leaders," he said. "But not the acid/base litmus test. I'm talking about the one where you soak the litmus in gasoline for a few hours then throw it into a bonfire and watch it burn out in a matter of milliseconds. These kids are so screwed.
"Still," White continued, "I guess the University should express token support for these windbags--I mean visionaries. After all, they're wasted a hell of a lot of time over the past four years. While I can't quite say that the University is grateful for their efforts, as that would require someone noticing, I proudly tell them that we didn't mind it that much."
White's backhanded praise, however, is hardly enough to console Todd Leibowitz, six-term Vice-President and sole member of the White Black American Jewish Duck Time Aerospace Emotion Honors Society, (WBAJDTAEHS) a fifth-year Obscurity major with very little in the way of "intelligence," "skill," "charisma," or "a future."
"I guess I was on borrowed time all this while." He lamented. "I realize now that I took myself too seriously. It was just college after all. I just had this short window of time, it ended, and now it's like I'm not ever there anymore." Leibowitz sighed. "Just like Jesus."
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