Homeless Program Successful
Give the Hobo Some Money Before He Punches You Campaign Makes No Money, Delivers 68 Punches"Give the Hobo Some Money Before He Punches You" Campaign Makes No Money, Delivers 68 Punches
In what can only be considered a stunning success, the "Give the Hobo Some Money Before He Punches You" Campaign (or GtHSMBHPYC) announced their total earnings Friday: ./output.txt.00, and 68 punched jackasses.
"We're really excited about this," said campaign president Jackie Winters. "This is more than three times the number of people we jacked in the face last year with our 'Violence Against Hunger' program. We just couldn't have asked for a better outcome."
But for Winters, who founded the program in response to the pressing need for more street violence in Ann Arbor, said success didn't come overnight. "It took us a while to really work out the format for the program. The first time we tried it out, nothing went right. A lot of people gave us money, but we hardly got to punch anyone, and when we did, we weren't even doing any serious damage. But now we've gotten our act together and we're out there kicking some ass for hunger."
GtHSMBHPYC's name change came with a change in strategy. Said Winters, "We used to just, you know, ask for money and punch people who didn't give us anything. This year, we turned it all around. We got these signs that are written really messily and in small writing, so people come up real close to read 'em. Then, BAM! That's when the magic happens."
According to Walter Thompson, who received a punch from this year's program, the signs said something like "It's too late now, you should have given the hobo some damn money, jackass!" It's that kind of innovation that's finally paying off for the campaign.
"It's scientifically proven that violence cures hunger," said Winters. "Seriously, if I pulled out some kung fu on your ass right now, I assure you food would be the farthest thing from your mind."
According to Winters, the campaign has some big plans in store for next year. "I really see a big expansion coming next year. We've been training hard and we've got some great new ideas. I even bought a new set of brass knuckles in preparation."
Plans for the next campaign include more-efficient hobo placement, a broader spectrum of attacks, and flaming monkeys. "The monkeys don't actually serve a purpose, per se. We just thought it would be cool," said Winters.
Another new name may also be in the works. Said Winters, "We were thinking about changing our emphasis this year, I mean, since we're not actually trying to collect any money. How does 'The Ass-Kicking Hobo Club' sound? Hmm...maybe just 'Hobo Rampage'? I guess we're still working on it. Look for us next year out on the streets! You should be able to spot us by the flaming monkeys."
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