Dragon Files Suit Against Obese Americans

Man-Eating Monster Attributes Heart Attacks to Irresistible Diet of Fat People

Zantanous Smith, a 417 year old dragon, filed a suit in federal court Thursday, alleging that the high fat content in his diet of obese humans has contributed directly to a litany of health problems. Smith is seeking .3 million in damages.

"The chronically obese are marketed directly to my client," said Smith's lawyer, Harvey Ellroy. "By waddling for cover slower than the average, low fat human, and being less able to stab at my client's scaleless weak spot because of their flabby arms, fat Americans have set themselves up as a deceptive yet irresistible meal."

Since awakening from a hundred year slumber atop a peak in the Rocky Mountains last May, Smith has suffered four heart attacks and chronically high blood pressure.

"I never knew how unhealthy eating chubby people could be," Smith said at a recent press conference. "I mean, where is the labeling? I swear, if they would have dressed in a giant, 'CAUTION: HIGH FAT CONTENT' T-shirt I might have at least flame-broiled them first before eating them."

George Kipfer, attorney for the obese defendants and himself a very fat man, claims that the obese bear no responsibility in Smith's declining health. "I think it should be obvious by looking at me and people like me that you have to eat us in proportion with a balanced diet of regular sized and thin people. We obese have always prided ourselves in providing that special treat, but you certainly can't blame us for Mr. Smith's lack of self-restraint."

Kipfer was then consumed by Smith.

Smith's lawsuit may be the first of many faced by America's obese. Lawyers are currently prepared to launch a class action suit on behalf of unhealthy cannibals and there are rumblings among many playground bullies that their throats are becoming unconscionably sore from being forced to repeatedly taunt an ever-growing population of fat children.

"This lawsuit isn't just for me," Smith said. "This is also for those hundreds of baby dragons that I am suckling in my hidden cave, so that there will be healthy, man-eating dragons for generations to come."

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