Heaven Announces All Class Slots Full for Semester

Purgatory Wait List Still Growing

Due to a higher than expected number of applicants, it was announced Tuesday that Heaven will not be able to accommodate any more souls for the remainder of the academic year.

"Souls seeking salvation during the winter semester will have to look somewhere else," said Archangel Gabriel, serving as the voice of the Lord. "On a positive note, we are still adding souls to The Wait List. Additionally, there are other alternatives that the deceased can consider. Oh wait, there's only Hell. Never mind."

Gabriel's announcement continued Heaven's streak of not allotting enough space for new souls to an unprecedented 4000 semesters. In spite of this, members of the Christian Reformed Church were glad to hear the news.

"HA! I told you so! Heaven is real!" said preacher Jim Hatfield, drunkenly shouting from his usual street corner. "And none of you can come because you didn't believe me! I hope you're looking forward to burning for all eternity! As an added bonus, I'll actually get to watch you burn because I won't be able to get into heaven either!"

Leaders of less "traditional" churches gathered in Chicago to discuss the practical ramifications of Heaven's announcement ? the first of its kind in recorded history ? as well as their own rapidly changing theology. According to event coordinator Joe Smith, many religions were represented at the conference.

"So there was a Rabbi, Priest, and a Minister," said Smith, who never got to finish his sentence because everyone had heard that one already.

The news was also not well received in retirement communities across the country.

"Avoiding death for one more semester won't be easy," said the more senile-by-the-minute 106-year-old Mortimer Fusco. "When the Kaiser finds out I took his pot of gold, he's sure to come after me."

Unsurprisingly, not everyone is dreading the winter semester service blackout.

"This is going to be my first break since, well, the start of last semester I guess. But I'm still like super-tired," said a weary-looking Saint Peter. "I don't think most people realize how much work is involved in cataloging and reviewing every moment of thousands of people's lives every day. Of course there really is nothing like the look on someone's face when you tell them they didn't make it. I'll miss that."

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