Keanu Reeves' Family Prays For More Serious Drug Addiction

OD-ing only way to save career

Following film failures Hardball and Sweet November, about which movie critic Roger Ebert said, "not only thumbs down, but so far down the thumb enters a new dimension of down," friends and family of Keanu Reeves have released a statement encouraging the Matrix star to develop a drug addiction.

"If he kills himself now there's still a chance that people will remember him as Neo rather than the world's first retarded quarterback, Shane Falco," said Reeves' mother, Tina. "Now come here and have some of Momma's famous heroin cookies."

Following his breakout role as a mentally retarded youth in Bill and amp, Ted's Excellent Adventure, the sky seemed to be the limit for Keanu Reeves. Soon after that movie wrapped, though, Hollywood discovered that the only line Reeves' could deliver convincingly was "Dude." ('Keanu' is Hawaiian for saying 'Dude' in a very stoned, idiotic manner.) With two Matrix sequels already in the bag, Reeves' career now seems at a cross roads.

"We were hoping he had a chance for the Dude, Where's My Car sequel," said Reeves' agent, Charles Vetter, "but the producers said Keanu seemed a little too 'stupid' during the audition."

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