Columbia University Explodes
U-M Students Suddenly Thankful That Bollinger Left
University of Michigan students were startled by news that Columbia, the university led by recently departed Lee Bollinger, recently exploded upon re-entry from orbit. Many students who once lamented the loss of a skilled administrator such as Bollinger have begun to rejoice in Michigan's good fortune in ridding itself of a leader who would launch an entire college into outer space.
"It's really a tragedy," said Michigan student Tony Leonard. "It's bad enough that those anonymous students died, but I heard Natalie Portman went to Columbia. Now George Lucas will have to replace her with a CGI Princess Amidala who uses racially stereotyped speech patterns and stupendously asinine dialogue. My life is over!"
To reach out to the rest of the university community and to console ex-president Bollinger, current U of M president Mary Sue Coleman held a press conference Monday. "Well yes, I haven't actually done anything productive since I got here," Coleman read from a prepared statement. "But I have avoided exploding the entire campus, so I think you definitely got the sweet end of that deal. And don't think that it's easy not blowing up a few square miles of academia. They told me I was crazy when I demanded that Haven Hall be built from weapons-grade uranium. I said that as long as we assigned one random drinking fountain as the detonator, we'd be completely safe."
"I guess we're lucky that Bollinger left when he did," said English junior Kendra Murphy. "I mean, I heard on the news that the entire enrollment of Columbia died upon re-entry but that there were only seven people in the first place. Bollinger must have really been tightening admissions standards."
Engineering Freshman Chuck Williams claims to have actually had an AIM conversation with a Columbia student just before it was announced that Columbia was lost. "This news is really heavy," Williams said. "I mean, my friend said his English professor this semester was really hot, but I didn't think he meant '3000 degrees on re-entry' hot."
"Are you an idiot? That wasn't Columbia University," said Bollinger, obviously in denial, "and Natalie Portman doesn't even go here!" Bollinger continued to babble about some sort of "space shuttle" and went on to explain that he doesn't feel personally responsible for Columbia's fate, though how he plans to avoid taking blame for the disaster remains unclear. When asked the pertinent question, "You can suck it Ivy League boy, what's the better school now?" Bollinger abruptly ended the interview.
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