UN Inspectors Uncover Iraq's Secret Weapon: A Broom Handle with Nails Sticking All Up Out Of It
NEW YORK -- In a Tuesday press conference, the UN announced that its weapons inspectors have found and isolated Iraq's most sinister weapon yet: a broom handle with nails sticking all up out of it.
"The weapon is about four feet in length," said chief weapons inspector Hans Blix, "and the hardwood shaft is embedded with twelve iron nails, which can only be described as 'sticking all up out of it' or possibly 'pointing out every which way,' but the first is definitely the preferred term."
"This discovery confirms what our country has feared for at least the last six months," said president George W. Bush in his reaction speech. "Saddam's weapons facilities have grown to an unprecedented level, and it is the job of the American people to put a stop to this madness. If we do not act now, in just a few short years the Iraqi war technology may reach the point where they can mass produce not only broom handles with nails sticking all up out of them, but also axe handles with spikes sticking all up out of them, or even, God forbid, a giant freaking club with big sharp knife-y things sticking all up out of it." He then made large hand gestures and opened his eyes real wide to indicate the bowel-loosening terror that such a weapon should evoke.
Other world leaders had similar reactions upon hearing news of the weapon. "We should definitely attack them," said French President Blanc. "If they had nuclear weapons or anthrax or stuff like that, I'd say stay out. But since it's just a broom handle, I think we can take them. Wait, how many nails are in the broom handle? Forget it, we surrender."
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