Students Stunned by Cabbage Attack
Giant Walking Vegetable Was Just Like Anyone Else, Say Friends
Giant Walking Vegetable Was "Just Like Anyone Else," Say Friends
Students returned to South Quad yesterday only to be shocked by a grisly murder scene in Taylor Hall. Police reports indicate that a giant walking cabbage turned on LS and amp,A sophomore Reginald Carter, suffocating him with his outermost cabbage leaves before rolling down the hall and out the window.
Students were shocked by the news.
"I can't believe this is happening," said next-door-neighbor Paul Rosenberg, "the giant walking cabbage seemed so normal... He went to classes, played Tekken, and struck out with chicks just like the rest of us. For him to suddenly suffocate someone with his leafy fronds is somehow surreal."
The murder seems even stranger given the close relationship between the roommates. Reginald and the cabbage had been fast friends, attending the same nutrition science classes and often going out on the town together. Hallmates saw them together so often they began calling the two "Reg and the Veg."
That idyllic time of friendly giant walking vegetables is over now. Hallmates now struggle to cope with their new, harsh world of murderous giant walking vegetables. For many it is hard to accept.
"What kind of world do we live in," asked LS and amp,A freshman Warren Kim, "where a vegetable can just kill a man without warning or provocation? Walk, yes, study, yes, kiss, god yes, but kill? Killing used to be exclusively the domain of fruits and tubers. Now I don't know what to think about giant walking plants... any of them."
Indeed, FBI statistics show a shocking increase in giant walking vegetable crime in the past few years. Though most of it remains vegetable-on-vegetable crime, there has been a disturbing 47% increase in inter-kingdom crime since 1997.
Analysts attribute this rise to growing income disparity between vegetables and humans. Few vegetables go to college--most simply sit around all day, soaking in sunshine and doing little productive work.
Such class-based theories give little insight into the ugly scene at South Quad, however. Hallmates say "The Veg" was a motivated, hard-working vegetable with good test scores and firm, succulent leaves. All say he seemed happy and well-adjusted.
However, vegetable advocacy groups claim the cabbage was in a horribly discriminatory environment. "Vegetables cannot look right or left without seeing their brethren consumed by the thousands," said Vegetable Advocacy Militant Nation (VAMN) president Sarah Kepler. "Anyone would go mad in such a situation."
Hallmates of the cabbage reject such claims. "Dude, you can eat vegetables?" asked LS and amp,A freshman Richard Haper. "Besides, I've been eating in South Quad's cafeteria for months now and Soylent Green Day is my favorite."
In any case, Taylor Hall is left without answers now, wondering what went wrong--wondering how they could have prevented the tragedy. They trudge from class to class, poring over the smallest details. None say they noticed anything odd.
"I'll always remember the last time I saw him," said Kim. "He turned towards me and looked at me with his featureless, leafy face. Then he shook his fronds at me, grabbed his backpack, and headed out the door. How was I supposed to know anything strange was going on? I know some people say it's not every day you see a giant walking cabbage, but we did. Except when he went home on the weekends."
The cabbage is still at large and is presumed armed and delicious.
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