Woman Ends "Buffer Relationship," Resumes Conventional Dating

"Sweet Guy" Timidly Returns to Lonelyland

After a three week association with self-proclaimed "Sweet Guy" John Anderson, LS&A sophomore Angela Tiller has declared her plans to move onward to a more prestigious relationship. "He was there for me when I needed him, and made me feel special when I felt like garbage," she said in a prepared statement. "I will always love what he did for me and cherish him forever- oh look! It's my old boyfriend and he's got a new car! Hi Gene. WAIT UP!"

The announcement was "surprising" to the aforementioned Anderson, as it came on the heels of what Tiller described as a "delightful weekend" that featured him. The couple took a brief stroll through the Nichols Arboretum, followed by dinner and an intimate discussion of the pair's emotions. Anderson considered these to be good signs. He was gravely mistaken, however.

When the enigmatic former boyfriend known to Anderson only as "Gene" reappeared on the scene sporting a third tattoo, a new car, and anti-gonorrhea antibiotics, Anderson expected that Tiller and "Gene" would become friends.

"All the girls I've gone out with all want to be friends after about two or three weeks," he said. "It seems like a pretty natural progression for a relationship."

However, after a solid week of Tiller ignoring Anderson, he began to become suspicious. "I thought it was odd that her new answering machine message told me to 'leave a message for Gene and Angela and we'll call back when we're not fucking,' but I trust the women in my life," he said. "She wouldn't cheat on me, would she? I mean, she's got a great sense of humor, she's just kidding with me. I'm sure that's it. Really."

Shockingly, it turned out that Tiller would indeed cheat on Anderson, a revelation that would break the happy couple in two.

"It's not your fault. It's mine," Tiller said in a phone interview. "I realize this might not mean much now, but you're a great individual and I wish you well." She later commented how 'sweet', 'thoughtful', 'caring' and 'understanding' Anderson was towards her during their three week 'friendship.'

Although she refused to acknowledge further questioning, experts believe Tiller's brief Anderson flirtation was actually a "Buffer Relationship," or "Courtship of Comfort," as it's more commonly called.

"She was probably just getting over a negative relationship," psychologist Wendy Hamilton said. "Anderson's status as a decent human being, while normally a hindrance to dating, became a desirable characteristic. After a period of healing, she once again had the strength to pursue less healthy, more normal associations. At that point Anderson had no choice, save becoming uncaring and manipulative in the same manner as Tiller's past and future suitors. Unfortunately, for Mr. Anderson, he vowed to remain steadfast in his compassion and understanding and must now suffer the consequences."

Although distraught, Anderson unsuccessfully attempted to feign acceptance after the telephone conversation. He later admitted, however, that Tiller's "I wish you well" still resonated in his thoughts long after he'd replaced the receiver.

"If 'well' means 'sitting motionless atop the inflatable mattress on my basement floor and staring blankly into nothing whilst listening to Sarah McLachlan CDs', then 'well' I shall be for quite some time," he said.

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