Not to Be Outdone, Mets Sign Godzilla

NEW YORK -- In response to the Yankees' recent signing of outfielder Hideki "Godzilla" Matsui, yesterday the New York Mets announced the signing of the real Godzilla, the monster who has terrorized Tokyo and New York City for many years.

"He'll be terrorizing New York in a new way now," said Scott Boras, Godzilla's agent. "He's gonna take this town by storm!"

"He's a great addition to our club," said Mets GM Steve Phillips. "When I heard the Yankees signed Godzilla, I thought, 'Oh, shit, how do you pitch to a 700-foot-tall lizard?' But then I found out it was just Matsui, and I knew we had to go out and get the real Godzilla. I mean, the guy took on Mothra and Rodan, now he's ready to take on Greg Maddux."

Godzilla, who will become the ugliest player in the league except for Randy Johnson, held a press conference yesterday to discuss his future with the Mets. He was obviously in a lighthearted mood, and joked with reporters about having two 'Godzillas' in one town.

"Aaaargggg! Raaaaaaaaaa! Aaaraaaaa!" said Godzilla.

Meanwhile, coaches around the rest of the league are already debating whether to pitch to Godzilla or just intentionally walk him.

"He really puts pitchers in a tough spot," said Braves manager Bobby Cox. "If you pitch to him, he's probably gonna hit a home run. But if you walk him, he's probably gonna eat you, which is almost worse. And then he'd probably just steal second anyway."

"That's what I like about G-Zill," said fellow Met Mike Piazza. "He's a five-tool player. He can hit, run, throw, decapitate, and breathe fire. He can do it all. I'm not gay."

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