Army of One Fails to Conquer Iraq
PFC John Wintergreen Shot 7,531 Times, Mostly Unnecessarily
BIG DESERT, IRAQ--The United States was dealt a humiliating blow today when its sophisticated "Army of One"--Private First Class John Wintergreen of Lima, Ohio--was utterly destroyed by Iraq's low-tech "Army of Forty or Fifty Thousand."
Analysts attribute the defeat to Wintergreen's inability to bring the U.S.'s massive technological superiority to bear. Wintergreen was issued several hundred thousand cruise missiles, six high-tech fighter wings, and three aircraft carriers, but used none of them before being shot several thousand times.
Radio communications before Wintergreen's demise indicate that Wintergreen was having difficulty carrying all his equipment. "Ow," he said. "The U.S.S. Enterprise is poking me right in the back. My damned back. You fuckers couldn't make this damned thing out of plastic?"
When Wintergreen made contact with the first Iraqi resistance, he began to set up his sophisticated equipment, but was shot in the head repeatedly before it could boot.
"Whoops," said Bill Gates in a prepared statement.
The U.S. Army's innovative and controversial "Army of One" strategy was originally an attempt to revamp its image in order to increase the number of recruits. The Army's previous "Be All You Can Be" campaign was failing badly.
"We figured out that most people remotely interested in being successful would actually not fail out of high school," said General Alfred Pollack, the Army recruiting coordinator. "So we started targeting sociopathic loners who wouldn't mind charging into a battle against thousands of poorly armed civilians by themselves--who wouldn't mind cutting a swath of blood from here to, say, California. The kind of guy every American wants to see in the Army."
However, the Army's new campaign did not increase the number of recruits enlisting. "I guess people thought that the point of all the other people in the Army was to catch the bullets heading towards you," said Pollack. "Go figure."
Eventually, the Army was forced to scale back its recruiting goals extensively. When Wintergreen stumbled into a recruiting office while looking for the local Dress Barn, he was captured, drugged, and transformed into a mighty unstoppable army of destruction and death.
Surprisingly, Wintergreen's unstoppability was severely overrated by most observers. "Well, we didn't know they were going to shoot him," said NBC news analyst Alvin Reinhart. "That's, like, totally unfair."
President Bush expressed his condolences to Wintergreen's family and promised Saddam that he would face the wrath of the United States in the future. "We've got another guy," said Bush. "And this time we're thinking about getting a second one or a dog or something."
Vice President Dick Cheney concurred. "For real!" screamed Cheney while hopping up and down rhythmically, wearing cornrows, and several gold chains. "Saddam, yo' gonna be our bitch / All we gotta do is flip da switch / Den we have all yo' oil and we be rich / Flipmode is the greatest."
It was later determined that "Dick Cheney" was actually an imposter "Vice President of One," Busta Rhymes.
In any case, some military insiders privately blame the "Army of One" target and not its performance. "Next time, we'll invade France," said one unnamed source. "The sight of a man with a gun will terrify them, and then EuroDisney will be ours... all ours. Oh yes, sweet, sweet, EuroDisney."
Martin Sheen could not be reached for astute political comments based on his many years of intense foreign policy study and complete failure to bail his son out of jail for doing hookers. Way to be ashamed of your real last name, Estevez. Asshole.
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