DPS Attributes Sexual Assault to Presence of Vagina

Victim Could Have Sworn It Was Left at Home

Victim "Could Have Sworn It Was Left at Home"

(Editor's note: It's okay. This story was written by a woman, which means we're allowed to print it. That's the rule. Just like I'm allowed to call white people "cracker-ass bitches." I never actually do this, but people do it to me all the time.)

The recent second-degree sexual assault of a U-M student may serve as a cautionary tale to other women across the country. During their investigation, DPS officers discovered that the victim was in possession of a vagina the night of the attack.

Vaginas, commonly carried by women aged 18 to 24, have been known to be a security risk for some time now. Sadly, most women in possession of the vaguely menacing accessory lack proper information regarding its risks. "It's hard to imagine one could make such a grievous error, what with all the literature available detailing the dangers of carrying vaginas in public areas," said DPS Chief Officer Eric Bryant. "As parents, we must teach our daughters how to safely own and operate vaginas so they can avoid the horrible fate. I believe, with the correct instruction, any woman can be an intelligent and safe vagina-owner."

Bryant went on to stress the importance of keeping the safety lock on at all times. "A vagina is not a toy. It should be treated as a hostile and deadly weapon that can have hazardous effects on any person who chooses to own one. Men should also be cautious of vaginas, as many men have to put up with months of torture just to get ahold of one."

Reports indicate the most dangerous places for women carrying vaginas are dark alleyways, nightclubs, and interviews for management positions. The safest areas include pottery classes, self-help seminars, and Neverland Ranch.

Bryant and his officers are currently searching for the perpetrator. "I will utilize the full resources of the Campus Public Safety system in the investigation of this senseless crime," said Bryant. "It should comfort the victim's family to know that four officers with months of experience are hard at work to find the culprit. Well... not today, it's Saturday. But on Monday, you can be damned sure they'll start looking. Prowling the streets with an arsenal of flashlights and whistles."

The victim identified her attacker as "sort of tall, light-skinned, and Louis Palmer of 5534 S. Division, Apartment 3, second door to your right." At this time, DPS has no suspects. They did, however, arrest one man carrying a concealed penis, but he was promptly released after displaying his permit.

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