France Vetoes Proposed Fight Between The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin
NEW YORK - World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., suffered a severe blow to the lineup of its upcoming Wrestlemania XIX pay-per-view when France vetoed the high-profile bout between feuding superstars The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on Tuesday. The French cited the necessity to continue talks between the two wrestling superstars to avoid a potentially bloody confrontation, and suggested mediation to resolve the to wrestling star's personal issues.
"We have taken a proactive stance in this standoff from the very beginning," Pierre Diopardon, the French UN ambassador, said after vetoing the WWE fight resolution. "The evidence shows that Mr. Stone Cold has come a long way in fulfilling the demands of the world community. He's no longer threatening to 'make The Rock his little bitch' in the ring and has scaled back his various ass-kicking activities to acceptable levels. We feel that no one wants to see these two titans of the mat come to blows... a peaceable resolution would be best for all involved, especially the fans of these two superstars."
Vince McMahon, owner and operator of the WWE, is livid at the French veto and strongly condemned their actions. "We would not go around willy-nilly, unleashing the People's Elbow on just any person or nation," said McMahon. "But the community of nations must understand that the smack must be laid down upon Stone Cold Steve Austin, lest the world be further threatened by his redneck persona and flagrantly illegal use of beer cans as projectiles. The Rock will fight anyone, anytime, but he will especially fight Stone Cold Steve Austin on pay-per-piew this Saturday for just 9.95. It's simply irresponsible to let Stone Cold flout international law in this fashion. Order from your cable company or satellite provider now! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! AT THE SILVERDOME!"
Diopardon was unmoved by McMahon's pleas and reminded the press that the UN has a long record of doing the right thing on the rare occasions that self-interest and the slightest shred of human decency coincide. "Listen, we're backed by Germany, China and Russia on this," said Diopardon. "I think you all know their strong records on freedom and human rights: self-inflicted civilian deaths among their own citizens are well below one hundred million over the past sixty years. If that's not a clear indication of credibility, I don't know what is."
French president Jacques Chirac sought to lend closure to the issue in a written statement earlier today. "The French people will now go back to eating babies and drinking pee," Chirac wrote. "We will then surrender to any babies that have not yet been consumed because said infants frighten and confuse the French people, as do most things that exist. We blame the existence of 'things' on the United States and demand that they liberate us from the babies that we have just surrendered to. In the mean time, we will assist with any persecutions ordered by babies under their vicious Vichy baby regime."
"And shut the fuck up, Poland," Chirac added.
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