UM Admissions Overturned
Supreme Court Replaces Admissions Policy With One That Favors Supreme Court Justices
WASHINGTON, DC--After a thorough review of legal briefs and hearing arguments on both sides of the Affirmative Action divide, the Supreme Court ruled Thursday that admissions preferences are allowed but only if narrowly tailored to favor Supreme Court Justices.
"Both sides put up very convincing cases," wrote Chief Justice Renquist in the decision for the nine judge majority. "And each Justice has decided that, in the interest of diversity and fairness, the only people that deserve an education are Justices."
The Court's decision mandates that university admissions policies may continue using a point basis. A total of one to four points may be allotted for GPA, standardized test scores, extracurricular activities, and essay. Two hundred points will be awarded for being a Supreme Court Justice. Applicants must reach a 100-point cutoff to be admitted.
University Law Professor and Big Sur sales representative Joel Roberts weighed in on the Supreme Court's decision. "I didn't think it was possible, but they actually found a way for everyone to win. And by everyone, I mean the nine people who compose the court. You can't get more diverse then that bunch, though - you've got an African American, a former housewife, a secret pornography enthusiast, and the bassist for the Scorpions. And that's just Clarence Thomas."
The legal decision ends years of legal rambling that many felt would split the Supreme Court along ideological and political lines. "At first Antonin Scalia wanted to settle the question with an arm-wrestling tournament," said Justice Kennedy, "but it seemed more productive to look at this case on its merits. Justice O'Conner asked the very relevant question, 'look guys, who rules?' And when we thought about it, we rule both in the figurative, 'we're awesome' sense and in the 'we have nearly total legal authority to do whatever the hell we want' sense. So we settled this Affirmative Action mess and I get to be the quarterback on the football team."
"Fuck this legal shit, I'm going back to college," said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg in an interview with the Columbia Legal Review. "My choice is between Michigan Tech and Michigan State. I think my chances of getting laid will be really high at Michigan Tech due to the girl/guy ratio of 1/10000. And State looks good because I like to burn things based on the fact that my basketball team played but regardless of outcome of the game. Go GREEN!"
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote in separate opinion that, "Anna Nicole Smith should, pursuant to the rule of law, give me a blowjob. Yes, I know she's gained a lot of weight since her Playboy days, but past court decisions clearly support a preference for 'big 'uns.' More cushion for the pushin, I always say."
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