Graduating Seniors Look Forward To Lack of Homework, Crushing Reality of 40 Hour Work Week
A recent poll of the university's graduating seniors has revealed a cornucopia of fascinating, hilariously na and iuml,ve information. The most interesting tidbit of knowledge is that the seniors, apparently completely unaware of what awaits them in their jobs, are looking forward to the lack of homework.
"I am so glad to be done with 489," said anthropology major Dan Nickells. "We had three projects in that class! I must have spent some six or seven hours on each one. Those days were intense. I almost didn't have time to watch 'Bear in the Big Blue House.' The moon is my favorite, it's so pretty."
The "real world," as many call it, does indeed feature little if any homework. Instead, home becomes a distant memory as the worker is slowly crushed under a mountain of simple "work-work." In addition, workers are often threatened with the loss of their jobs if they do not perform degrading party tricks--such as commenting code, belching the alphabet, or making their sixth and seventh nipples perform a racy Latin dance--in front of their superiors.
Nevertheless, most graduates seem to be eagerly anticipating such workweeks, despite considering ten weeks of drinking and sexual escapades (a.k.a. "sex-capades," "sex-nanigans," or "sexual sex-tercourse") followed by a week of panicked all-nighters a "hell semester."
Chemical engineering senior Christopher "Raffi" Najarico acknowledges the long hours he'll have to work in the corporate world, but believes they will be fun and enlightening. "When I was an intern we got to go white water rafting," said Najarico. "And then I got to press a button that said 'press to engineer stuff.' It wasn't hard or terrible at all."
However, corporate experts point out that internships are often radically different from permanent jobs. Intern whippings are infrequent, and most interns are provided with chamber pots or even toilets. Permanent staff often must compete ferociously for food, proffering ever-longer documents full of crazed rantings or complex mathematics to sustain their meager existence.
Full-time Pfizer employee C. Ryan Peterson offered his perspective on the differences: "Burning flesh, rats, rats, rats, oh how I love the smell of the burning rat flesh, it makes the tummy pain go away for a minute, two minute, and then the man with the bat. The pain. But pay is good."
Najarico refuses to believe the stories of the working world, however, claiming that his experience proves otherwise. "They promised that their permanent jobs were just as cool," he said. "We even got to see one of the regular employees. They get to act out postmodern tragedies about the lack of fulfillment in their lives and their never-ending burdens in front of interns. How cool is that?"
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