Giant Starfish Attacks Cleveland, Biotech Labs Not Responsible
CLEVELAND, OH--In what could be the biggest distraction from the war in Iraq since Cordelia's demon baby on Angel, a ninety-foot-wide, fifty-eight-ton starfish wrought havoc on Cleveland, Ohio yesterday, before wandering North and plunging into Lake Erie, where it is now stuck.
Investigations of the event turned up possible connections between the not-properly-sized echinoderm and BioTech Labs, Inc., whose headquarters is a soot-blackened industrial complex with perpetual thunder and lightning overhead.
"It must be them that's done it," said Old Man Thompson, an anachronistic prospector who lives in a shack just outside Cleveland. "Them thar BioTech folks have been up to no good ever since I known 'em. They doin' the Devil's work, they are." He then nodded gravely and spat out some tobacco.
The damage done by the starfish to the city was minimal, but there are lasting emotional scars for the citizens. "It was in the middle of the road," said Mary Briggs, a mother of three who was caught in traffic during the attack. "Those things move at like a foot every four hours. I honked my horn, but it wouldn't get out of the way! My kids were late for school, and for that I will never forgive you, starfish. STARRFIIIISHH!" Briggs gave no further comment, as she was too busy shaking her fists at the sky.
Mayor Jane Campbell, who gained the title of "Cleveland's Mayor" after these events, spoke to her miffed constituents as the last corner of the starfish slid slowly out of the city limits. "This is a tough city," she said, "and we will go on. Right now, I think everyone who bothered to switch from Roly Poly Olie to watch the limited, one-camera coverage of these events is from Cleveland. Basically because this thing didn't go national. Stupid New York, how the heck can we follow them?"
Derrick Lane, Executive Operations Supervisor for BioTech Labs, Inc., denied any connection between the corporation and the incident. "Our research with starfish and carelessly applied growth serums is completely separate from yesterday's events. And the model of Cleveland with the giant toy starfish in it found in our board room is completely coincidental. Or perhaps planted there by Al Qaeda."
Mike Gallow, the Supervising Executive of Operations and Ron Jensen, the Operating Supervisor of the Executives, corroborated Lane's statements before throwing down a smoke grenade and escaping. "Next time, do-gooders," Jensen cackled as they ran into a dark alley. "Next time!"
Other sources point to Ghostbuster Ray Stantz as a possible culprit in this incident. "I tried to think of something from my childhood," Stantz said in a press conference yesterday. "Something that couldn't possibly destroy us. I'm just really bad at deciding what ancient Samarian gods should turn into. Sorry again. My fault."
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