New MSA Party Students for Murdering Adam Stevenson Focuses on Increasing North Campus Bus Access, Murdering Adam Stevenson
As the recently elected MSA representatives take their seats in the council, Dana Easley, the lone member of the campus's newest party, Students for Murdering Adam Stevenson, or SMAS, has vowed to focus on students' needs, from increased bus access to North Campus to the gruesome murder of Engineering Sophomore Adam Stevenson.
Answering criticism that her party appeared to serve only a small minority campus interests, Easley sought to allay concerns. You just have to look at my record in recent MSA votes to see that I'm for many students," Easley said. "First of all, I introduced the bill to have more bus routes into North Campus just as I campaigned on. Granted, it lost on account of it making too much sense, but I have other accomplishments. I voted for the nine month spring break that was introduced last week, I co-sponsored plan calling for the abolishment of the United States and the establishment of a new dictatorship under either Sadaam Hussein or that crazy short guy in North Korea. I also sharpened a hunting knife between votes in preparation for the gutting of Adam Stevenson. I'm all for murdering him."
Easley released a memo Thursday outlining her justifications for her platform. In it, she states that students living and studying on North Campus spend too much time waiting for transportation and that Adam Stevenson should turn his fucking music down so that that people around him can study. This is a dorm, not a goddamn auditorium, Adam. And the entire world knows Adam is the one who wrote, "Dana's a whore" on her white board.
When reached for comment, Adam Stevenson said only, "Jesus, please hide me," and then abruptly ended the interview by hiding in an undisclosed location in room 634 Douglas in Bursley Hall.
"Does it make sense that I named my party for an issue over which the student assembly has absolutely no authority?" Easley said. "Well, it's never stopped other parties. There's the Defend Affirmative Action Party, the Give Money to the Crazy Hobo With the Broken Guitar Who Plays on South U. Party, the My Resume is Going to be Fucking Awesome if I Win Party, and The French Stewart Should Be Crowned King of Everything Party. When you look at my organization in that context, I fit right in."
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