We are all God's children, God's child support payments enormous

HEAVEN--A court order was received last Wednesday by God, the Lord Almighty and creator of the universe, requesting payment of back child support for His 6 billion children. The court order was served on the behalf of Julia Richmond, 34, a resident of Tampa, Florida and cocktail waitress. The child support claim is in excess of 70 million billion trillion dollars.

Richmond claims she met God while working late at the bar. Allegedly, God showed up late for a few drinks after a long day of battling evil, punishing sinners, and playing co-ed softball. A few drinks led to a few more, and within a few hours God was vvisibly intoxicated.

"God was being a real asshole that night," said one witness who asked for his name to be withheld for fear of being smote. "He was yelling about how great and all-powerful He was, and how He created this whole place, and if we didn't like it we could kiss His hairy, white-light ass. One of the bouncers even tried to throw Him out, but when he grabbed God, the bouncer burst in to flames; God said [the bouncer] went straight to hell, which we all believed because, you know, final judgments are God's thing. After that everyone pretty much let God be."

Later that night God allegedly made advances on Richmond.

"He kept telling me how beautiful I was," said Richmond. "It was really hard to resist Him. He's really charismatic, and kind of cute, in that Sean Connery sort of way. So when He told me He didn't want to sleep alone that night, I invited Him back to my place. The next morning He left in a hurry, and He never called me back."

God denies that he was ever present in the bar that night. "I am a metaphorical embodiment of man's hope for an orderly, meaningful universe," He said. "I don't have a penis. Also, I mean, I'm totally God - if I was going to do something like that I would wipe everyone's memory. And nail a hotter chick."

Despite God's protestations, the child support payments have been upheld on appeal. The payments--the largest in the history of the US court system--are scheduled to start in June. Richmond hopes they will improve the lot of the common man--especially the lot of the common 34-year-old cocktail waitress.

"Have you ever tried to feed and clothe 6 billion on the salary of a waitress?" said Richmond. "There were a lot of nights of Ramen noodles and Mac and Cheese dinners, let me tell you. I also made soup out of packets of ketchup I stole from here at work, but I just did that because I really like ketchup soup. I plan to take care of God's children the right way - with name brand Heinz ketchup soup - plus I'll probably buy myself a little something nice. Like Cuba. I always thought it was a cute island."

Back