Cinemax Runs Out of Soft Core Porn Titles
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NEW YORK, NY--After 23 years of airing movies consisting entirely of implausible sex scenes that don't go as far as they should, Cinemax has finally run out of titles for their soft-core pornographic films. As a result, Cinemax will reduce its soft-core programming from 14 hours a night down to a mere five in what can only be described as the worst disaster since an asteroid struck the earth millions of years ago, wiping out all life.
"We knew this day would come sooner or later," lamented Cinemax president Huel Griffin. "After years of showing such erotic classics as 'Intimate Obsessions,' 'Sinful Desires,' 'Sinful Obsessions,' 'Desirable Intimacy,' and 'Obsessive Desires that are Intimate with lots of Sin,' we knew that well was running pretty dry."
For the past several years, Cinemax has had no other choice to air sequels to these films, but lately those premises have grown stale.
"The first five 'Obsessive Sinfulness' films did very well," said Griffin. "But eventually you run out of reasons why a sexy female psychotherapist would have to pose as a stripper to solve a murder case and then make out with Shannon Tweed. We certainly wouldn't want to air anything contrived."
While the title shortage is certainly bad news for the thousands of actresses and dozens of actors in the soft-core industry, those affected the most by the shortage are, as always, the children.
"Without soft-core, teenagers will be forced to go to the hard porn before they're ready to see it," said sexpert James Campbell. "I didn't know what a vagina looked like until I was 25, and that's the way it should be."
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