Cyborg Returns from Future to Save Will Ferrell

The Future Fucking Blows

New York, NY--The NYPD reports that it is on the lookout for a super-powered cyborg which was sent back from the year 2138 to save Will Ferrell from his otherwise imminent doom. Apparently, on June 28th, 2003, Will Ferrell is going to be killed when he accidentally stumbles into a comedy club and is shot dead by the entire audience as he attempts to cajole them with a cheerleading routine. His last words will be an enthusiastic "Oh god, I'm dead, you shot me in the head," which will be then followed by a short pom routine and finally convulsions and the sweet, sweet embrace of the devil.

The NYPD is at a loss as to why the future government wishes to prevent such an event. "We don't know exactly who these crazed lunatics are," said chief of police Joseph J. Esposito, "or why they would see fit to risk their lives and scarce future resources to save Will Ferrell. If he's the best thing we have in the future, I'd like to be killed now. We can assure you that we are doing everything in our power to terminate this cyborg before he can carry out his utterly depraved mission of preventing Will Ferrell's timely death."

"The American people will not take this lying down," said Bush. "We have constructed our own cyborg, which we are going to send into the future to kill the makers of this current cyborg, which can only be an Iraqi Will Ferrell saving machine, before it can be sent back into the past. Of course, this means that their cyborg will never have been sent back into the past, and therefore we will never have built this cyborg in response, but, hey, it worked in that one movie, you know, Back to the Future, Part III... no, wait, that was the shitty one out west, wasn't it? Damnit, I knew I should have checked my sources. Hey, is this picture of me fading ou...," at which point he ceased to exist.

President Biff then stepped to the podium to continue the press conference.

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