Tigers' Season in Peril Due to Continued Existence
Just weeks into the 2003 season, the Detroit Tigers are once again assuring themselves of a losing season by continuing to come together as a baseball team.
"I really don't know how this happened," said Tigers' GM Jerry Dombrowski. "When we brought in Alan Trammell, our justification was that he had some sort of anti-matter ray that could erase the Detroit Tigers from this realm, banishing them to an alternate dimension like Fantasia or Rhode Island."
When asked why he believed Trammell would be capable of obliterating the Tigers, Dombrowski replied, "well, we got him from the San Diego Padres. I haven't ever heard anything about any so-called 'San Diego' or 'Padres' so it seemed to follow that if [Trammell] was good at anything, it was making things not exist anymore."
Tigers expert and sappy author Mitch Albom had several questions for Tigers owner Mike Illitch at a recent press conference, such as, "What do you say to people who believe that in bringing Alan Trammell and Kirk Gibson back to the Tigers, you're rekindling Detroit's winning ways?"
"Unless my memory has been affected by the ludicrously appalling play of our team," said Dombroski, "the kind of play that has been proven to cause brain damage in the past, I don't believe we've ever won a single game. Alan Trammell has never been on this team - maybe you're thinking of Bubba Trammell. We banished him years ago because he seemed strikingly competent and he couldn't play hockey. Now leave me alone so I can go back to building the Detroit Hockey Yankees. I mean Redwings."
"By the POWER of GREYSKULL!" Trammell said in a recent press conference. "Yeah, I know being He-Man won't really help this situation, but I really like the sword."
Back