LARGE HEADLINES CAUSE CANCER
NIH Study Also Shows That Smaller, Italicized Headlines Cause Impotence
"For a while we thought that it was only headlines from USA Today that cause cancer," said Dr. David Clarke, director of new research at the NIH, "but when we expanded our research into more reputable newspapers such as the Boise Post-Courier and the children's place-mats at Big Boy, we found similar results."
While the study may come as a shock to the 10 million Americans who read daily newspapers-not to mention the 30 million who buy them just to look "intelligent"-experts at major medical research centers advise the general public that altering their periodical reading habits or switching to a lower-headline brand of newspaper will not necessarily reduce the risk of cancer.
"After all," explains Dr. Clarke, "a number of current studies show a similar, sometimes even higher, correlation of cancer rates to narrow columns, small fonts, and stories that continue on page six."
Clarke cited a study at the University of Washington demonstrates a correlation between cancer and 'Beetle Bailey' comic strips. "There are a lot of risks out there that we just can't explain," he said. "Besides, if you've already been reading headlines for up to 10 years, there's no real point to quitting-you're probably going to die anyway. I'd give you two months."
Major newspaper publishers around the country have met the revelation of these discoveries with aggressive skepticism. Miles Borowitz, a spokesman for the New York Times Company, claimed that "the evidence presented thus far is purely circumstantial."
"The management of the New York Times will swear under oath that large headlines do not, have not, and will never cause cancer," Borowitz continued. "Moreover, all reports that the New York Times has been 'spiking' its newspapers with bigger headlines to keep people reading are completely preposterous. Headlines are a safe byproduct of our all-natural newspaper harvesting and curing process. If you have any other questions about the satisfying, smooth-reading, low-tar articles of the New York Times call our toll-free subscription line today! Otherwise, talk to our lawyers."
In a separate interview, Beetle Bailey creator Mort Walker expressed similar sentiments. "This accusation is not only slanderous," he said, "but simply absurd. I know Beetle Bailey like I know myself, and Beetle Bailey does not cause cancer."
However, when asked about the carcinogenic effects of the portly, irascible Sergeant Snorkel, Walker curtly replied, "No comment."
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