Ford Thinks Big Picture, Invests $2.3 Billion in "Buzzword Technology"
DETROIT-Ford Motor Company, still reeling from the Firestone tire recall, announced yesterday that it plans to invest $2.3 billion towards utilizing and leveraging new buzzwords. The number two automaker hopes to enhance its battered reputation by creating catchy, incomprehensible phrases."Actually making changes to our vehicles so that they won't kill people is hard," said Mike Anderson, "Minister of Informatics" at Ford. "Reengineering our buzzwords is both a new paradigm and fun for the kids on Bring Your Children To Work Day."
Anderson then made more noises with his larynx that suggested he was attempting to communicate with the people around him.
"Ford is being proactive and trying to think out of the box, away from component-based old thinking," expounded Anderson while waving his hands aimlessly to accompany his vague, meaningless gibberish. "Instead we are focusing on empowering our workforce with powerful new media, synergized with scaleable technologies. This will boost our web presence and E-Nable us to reach our goal of a paperless office outlined by our six-sigma strategies. This is the dawn of a new era for Ford."
The plan, printed in a leather-bound seven-volume encyclopedia, outlines the process of the rapid prototyping of scenario-driven deployment. In an attempt to be best in class, Ford is trying to remove the bells and whistles from their often long-winded list of meaningless phrases that stand for something, but describe no means of creating that action. Due to their commitment to quality, Ford is playing the role of the enabler and breaking the old rules that were once etched in stone.
Anderson feels the expenditures will help expedite cost reduction and fire control in the event of another major media incident. "The [Firestone] ordeal was a major sanity check for us all," he said. "But now, in the event of other inevitable Ford-related deaths, we've developed a systematized conceptual contingency which should answer any backlash. We've finally got ticks in all the right boxes. Balanced incremental fault protection is something consumers can count on from Ford."
Work-enablers at Ford hope that this new investment will push Ford ahead of other large companies in buzzword technology. "I once worked with a guy at GM who had a whole list of these foreign phrases like 'digitized synthetic sensitivity' and 'mechanized robotic telemetry,'" said former GM employee Jessica Tilburn, now a "valued asset" at Ford. "We would spend so much time trying to reverse engineer the core behind those ideas. It was a reality check for me. Now we're planning on forgetting the past and forging ahead in the hopes that the future will be better than the past. Some people may find that impressive, but here at Ford it's job one."
Critics of the plan have asserted that words like "organizationalability," "empowerification," and "supercalifragilisticexparadigm" make the people saying them sound like noted dyslexic George W. Bush, but Anderson thinks that is a cheap shot. "Just because Governor Bush left the end off of 'subliminablerrifc' doesn't mean that he's incapable of the country," he said. "After all, Reagan thought he was a hotdog for the last three years of his presidency and he still killed communism. Bush seems quite in line with the current business practice of utilization of the ridiculously incomprehensible sentence paradigm."
Ford's plans also include streamlining product deployment and moving forward across the board. "What we're creating here is a whole new paradigm that will hopefully eliminate any initial stratification within the organization," Anderson said.
He also reassured the press that whatever changes made would not only deliver value to consumers but would also have long term "visonability." "Ford is a community-minded company deeply committed to securing the promise of America for our children, and our children's children," he said. "Improving the look and feel our company is on our critical path. We plan to focus, focus, and refocus on the scenarios to make our new Mission Statement state of the art. Once we take ownership and leverage our collective inner strength. We can make it happen. It's a win-win situation."
Back