U-M Men's Studies Dept. Researches Beer-Belching Techniques
The University of Michigan men's studies department, formed only three months ago, announced the results its first research projects yesterday. The most notable of these is the pursuit of the perfect beer belch, and after approximately two months and 400 six-packs the researchers released their preliminary findings earlier this week while celebrating at "Hooter's.""So far, we have determined that the ideal belch is really, really loud, and can only be produced after consuming no fewer than five beers," said John Hirsch, coordinator of the drinking team. Between gulps, he noted that, "It works even better if the beer is chugged."
Asked why this research is so vital to the men's studies department, Hirsch replied, "Chicks dig it," just prior to being distracted by the bustline of an oncoming waitress.
Other projects currently underway in the men's studies department include work on the next generation of super remote controls as well as both surreptitious female observation techniques and first aid for men caught surreptitiously observing females.
"We believe that the results of these projects will shed light on the true nature of men in their natural habitats and help us to improve their quality of life," said Hirsch after carefully checking to see if anyone saw him drooling as the waitress passed.
The team also plans on using its research to provide services to men who have been victims of gender bias. "Eventually, we hope to expand our power so that we can offer help to oppressed men with have limited access to pornography by providing them with computers or inflatable dolls," said project member Mike Addy. "It is absolutely imperative that the oppression of men stops now and that the population at large starts to recognize that they have only the most basic of needs: beer, satellite TV, and gratuitous footage of scantily-clad members of the opposite sex-many of which are being denied even in this day and age."
Students in the program also see a higher goal than just belch testing and beer chugging. "We're out to prove that all those stereotypes you've heard about men aren't true," said Mark Smith, a student in the program. "Being a man today is all about empowerment. We don't have to sit by and do 'men's work' any more. We've got real jobs, real beer, and-hottie at two o'clock!"
Smith later said that he was actually in the program to prove that he, too, could be a sensitive guy. "After all, that's what all the girls go for," he said. "That, and a guy who can belch really loud."
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