Letters to the Editor

The following are letters that we have actually received from real people. They are not made up. Quit asking us. They aren't made up. Two things in the E3W are real apart from those that are clearly labeled as real-the letters and the disclaimer box. People whose letters are published, please pick up your free E3W bumper sticker at the UAC office (4th Floor Michigan Union), just ask Mary in our office for one.

Subject: Volume 2, Issue 3
Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2000 19:26:02 -0800
From: "Carl Miller"
To:

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm writing this letter on behalf of the Lambda Chapter of Beta Theta Pi. Please be informed that we are currently in consultation with our lawyer and Alumni Board regarding your libelous article "Roman Legion Invades Greek Societies." Please forward me the address and phone number of your legal representative(s) so that our lawyer may contact them, should we decide to legally pursue the matter. Thank you for your cooperation. [Link courtesy of webmaster]

Silly legal threats aside, it is normal policy at E3W to use real organizations when talking about relatively innocuous things, but to use fictionalized organizations when making jokes that could seriously piss people off. We neglected to do this in this case simply because we editors had no idea that Beta Theta Pi is a real frat.

I know you're thinking that this sort of utter ignorance is impossible, but try to keep in mind that we're engineers. So, Beta Theta Pi, we'd like to say, "Our bad." We didn't mean to imply that your members were any more likely to be rapists than the average man.

We'll refrain from saying what we think of the whole situation, but we're guessing that the reading between the lines here is not hard.

-Ed.

Subject: gay dude on back of last issue
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 17:48:09 -0500 (EST)
From: Mike Phillips
To: threeweeks.letters@umich.edu

Did you happen to look at the ad for Hamlet on the back of your last issue. While that guy probably is gay, does he have to look so gay? I understand that you are most likely funded by MSA and you might have to make some extra money on the side by advertising, but come on. Also, look at the girl in the middle. I don't remember any midgets being in Hamlet, she's so short. If you don't cut this crap out I will continue to complain to myself. Also, why don't you see what you can do about getting pictures of naked chicks in your next issue.

While there might be a connection between homosexuality and the theatrical arts, we don't know why the guy in the Hamlet poster is so hypothetically gay looking. However, we do have it on good authority from the Rude Mechanicals that he is, in fact, not gay. So all you ladies reading the paper (snicker) should run out and snag yourself a Hamlet, yeah!

As for the midget, haven't you ever seen Hamlet? The twelve-midget chorus is an integral part of the show. It murders Hamlet's father and marries his mother, after all. Philistine.

BTW, Please feel free to complain to yourself.

-Ed.

Subject: France
Date: Sat, 11 Nov 2000 23:34:43 -0800
From: "Matt Micks"
To:

Eh? Qu'est-ce c'est? Francaise reddition? Jamais! Vive la résistance! Vive la France! France would never surrender to that silly Bill Clinton. Who do you think we are? Silly English types? We're French, why do you think we have this outrageous accent? I fart in your general direction! I wave my genitals at your elders! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Micks; from France

P.S. Je voudrais un bumber sticker!

Merci beaucoup pour votre reponse. On espere que tout va bien en France. Soit on imprime votre lettre, soit non, vous pouvez chercher un bumper sticker au bureau de UAC--vous etes officiellement sur la liste! Merci d'avoir lu.
-Ed.

Okay, I (the editor without frenchy-canadiany girlfriend) ran this through babelfish (a web language translator thing at babel.altavista.com) and got this:

Thank you very much for your answer. One espere that all goes well to France. Either one prints your letter, or not, you can seek a bumper sticker at the office of UAC -- you etes officially on the list! Thank you to have read.

Ah, babelfish, you incoherent bastard.
-Ed. (part 2)

Subject: Politics in the world today...
Date: Thu, 09 Nov 2000 19:43:13 -0500
From: Adam Saltsman
To: threeweeks@umich.edu

Dear E3W,
I sat down on Tuesday and deliberately read your paper front to back - it was simply DElightful...with a capital DE. In any case, this is my take on the election situation as it sits now. Please read it - it pertains to Jello on a national level.

[THIS GUY RAMBLES ON FOR 600 WORDS. I AM NOT KIDDING. 600 FUCKING WORDS. 600! IF YOU WANT TO READ THE ENTIRE TEXT, EMAIL US AND WE'LL FORWARD IT TO YOU]

Thank you, again, for printing such an endlessly bitter and sarcastic paper - E3W print day is the highlight of my ...well not my month, exactly, but ....well its the highlight of my every three-week period of...or - yes. Thanks for good three week paper.

Thanks for enjoying our paper; glad we're cheering you up. Six hundred words earn you a bumper sticker, but there's got to be easier ways... you could kill for it or something.
-Ed.

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