A-Rod To Merge With Daimler-Chrylser
This announcement comes amidst rumors of massive cutbacks within the car giant. "Sagging profits make this necessary if Daimler wishes to remain competitive in today's industry," said Maxine Reynolds, industry analyst with Car and Driver magazine. "Poor management decisions, along with the less than stellar performance of the New Grand Cherokee, have really diminished their market share."
Hopefully the injection of A-Rod and the quarter of a billion dollars he'll bring to the table will invigorate the company, much like the help he'd provide for a failing baseball team. Rodriguez has already come up with many inventive ideas for future DaimlerChrylserRodriguez vehicles-among them are plans to create an A-Rod edition of all of the high-end SUVs.
Similar to the Eddie Bauer edition of the Grand Cherokee, the A-Rod version will contain extra-large cupholders so the driver will have many places to conveniently stow away the several large bags of cash she will be carrying with her. Other features include a digital Internet connection to receive real time stock updates, an all diamond interior and a gold plated bathtub in the trunk that serves no purpose whatsoever.
DCR also plans on developing a line of sports cars called "Hot A-Rods," along with a new vehicle aimed at really rich baseball players they've dubbed the Al Doredo.
Terms of the deal were undisclosed but sources say one of the agreement's final concessions came when DaimlerChrylser pledged to move their outfield walls fifteen feet closer to headquarters. "Alex said four hundred feet was too far of a drive to get out of the company park."
Much to the chagrin company spokesperson Emma Frankin, experts wonder how the former-Mariner Rodriguez can help a corporation whose main problem last year was an inconsistent sales-pitching staff. "Don't you get it?" she asked. "He's really good at playing shortstop, and ummm.... shortstop!"
Despite this, many onlookers are still unsatisfied. "There's goes my spot on the company softball team," lamented Scott Jones, Product Design Engineer and four-year company shortstop with a lifetime BA of .328.
Rodriguez claims that Jones doesn't have to worry. "I'll be just like anyone else on the DaimlerChrylserRodriguez team," he said. "I'm nothing special. I put my golden pants and diamond-studded boxer briefs on one leg at a time."
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