Bush Rounds Out Cabinet Appointments
Austin, TX-Making good on his commitment to appoint a cabinet that "looks like America and thinks like Nazi Germany," President-elect George W. Bush named Jed Bakersfield, a South Carolina bean farmer and lynching enthusiast to the post of Secretary of Strategic Resources."Mr. Bakersfield is a proven leader," Mr. Bush said during the Wednesday press conference, "And as his 20 years of public service shows, he knows how to make a commitment."
Bush referred to Mr. Bakersfield's twenty years in a federal prison several more times over the course of the conference, and talked about his dedicated incarceration in glowing terms. "Here's a man that was so dedicated to what he believed in that he committed twenty decades of his life to see his vision through. This man is the Nelson Mandela of white supremacists, and I'm proud, and honored, and proud to have him in my cabinet."
The pick is considered a surprise by many political pundits, who had expected that Bush would select a non-white-supremacist for the final cabinet post.
Although relatively little is known about Mr. Bakersfield's politics, early press releases indicate fairly conservative views on issues such as education, the environment, international trade, and "those goddamn Jews." When asked at the conference about his position on abortion, Bakersfield replied in a thick southern twang, "I am opposed to all forms of abortion in this country. It is my firm moral belief that life begins the moment a woman gets into your pickup truck."
While this ideological stance puts Bakersfield on the periphery of the Bush cabinet's general position on abortion, it is still farther left than that of future Attorney General John Ashcroft, who announced last week that he believes that life begins the moment you buy the new Kenny G album.
After introducing Bakersfield, Bush went on to express his great excitement at the tremendous benefits of including a white supremacist in his cabinet. "I think all of us can learn a lot from Mr. Bakersfield, here. I mean, until I had a talked with Jed yesterday, I hadn't thought about wearing sheets to work since the toga party for the '69 pledge class! Man, I was so drunk that night-I can't believe I remember it!"
Conspicuously absent from the podium was the vice president-elect and Bush transition team chair Dick Cheney, who was standing inconspicuously in a corner of the press-room, apparently chuckling quietly to himself. When asked about his role in the surprise appointment of Mr. Bakersfield, Cheney explained that he'd had nothing to do with this particular selection.
"You see, after the labor secretary fiasco, I told Dubya that he could pick the last one on his own if he wanted, just to make sure he was clean." Cheney started to giggle a bit, then continued, "Well he must have thought that I said Clan and, well..." he chuckled again, "isn't the little guy just adorable?"
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