FOX Has Failed To Titillate Me Once Again

By Kevin Newberry

Well, friends, the FOX television network has done it again. Normally, I'm a big TV fan, you see. Uh-huh, just about any time of day or night you can find me sitting in front of "Ol' Bessie," our 19-inch Panasonic Wonderview Television enjoying news, sports, movies, or even that foreign network where they show Korean music videos, all in an attempt to avoid the sad tragedy of my life.

Yes, it's TV that keeps me from beating my children on days other than Sunday, the Lord's day. So you can take it from me when I say that FOX keeps lowering the bar for all television by broadcasting boring, non-titillating "entertainment" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

For example, I was flicking through the channels the other day when I came across more FOX "reality programming." Bessie displayed none other than Will Smith, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air himself, gnawing on a human arm. A black man's arm.

I know what you're thinking, because I was thinking it too. I was thinking, "God damn it, they've created another installation of Celebrity Dismemberment of DJ Jazzy Jeff, the uncreative bastards!" And that they had. Sadly, the "creative" minds at FOX decided that a third amputation of poor, poor Jazzy Jeff was worthy of airtime.

Now, I thought the first two episodes of CDDJJ, starring Jesus and John Lennon, were average at best. We did indeed get to see a Jesus-level star (or above, in Lennon's case) merrily chomping away on some human flesh that formerly belonged to DJ Jazzy Jeff. But the formula was a tired one after Celebrity Dismemberment of Craig T. Nelson and Celebrity Dismemberment of Jonathan Frakes, and the third installation of the series has only Will Smith-by all accounts is a nice man, fine rapper, and blockbuster movie star, but certainly not as big or bigger than Jesus.

Even the show-ending attempt by Jazzy Jeff to prove that he still has his DJ skills even without both legs and an arm fell flat. It was mildly interesting to see Jazzy Jeff operate his second turntable with his giant slithering tongue, but really, we've all seen "The View." There is nothing that DJ Jazzy Jeff has on "The View."

Perhaps FOX thought that the irony of Jazzy Jeff's former running buddy and best friend gnawing happily on one of Jeff's limbs would somehow outweigh Will Smith's comparative lack of star power. If so, they just don't get it. We don't watch television to be educated about "irony" or "selling out," dammit, we watch television to see a big damn star eating portions of another celebrity's body. Period.

Or perhaps FOX thinks touchy-feely fucking feelings make television great. If so, they'll continue to be blown out of the water by racy CBS shows like Everybody Loves Raymond and Touched By An Angel, both of which advertise the rampant sex they contain in their very titles. Orgies and fallen angel sex, that's what we want on TV.

So, FOX executives, I guess what I'm trying to say is stop being such fucking pussies and put some shows on the air with some cajones. You can start by taking all those boring hot chicks off of Temptation Island and replacing them with 65 clones of Estelle Getty.

I'm just trying to help save your jobs, you squares.

Back