Lee Bollinger Joins Ranks of Harvard Rejectees on Campus
"I Didn't Really Want to Go to Harvard Anyway," Claims Prez
Wiping his brow repeatedly, Bollinger insisted that he had not really been tempted by the lure of the finest academic institution in the country. "I always wanted to go to a larger school with a more diverse student body anyway," he claimed pathetically, "even if the average levels of intellectual talent and interest are substantially, often depressingly lower than those of an Ivy League school like, say-I don't know-Harvard."
His confidence clearly shaken, Bollinger was accompanied on the podium by his wife and his parents, who continuously consoled him throughout the conference, assuring him that he was "still smart," and that a lot of it is "just luck" for schools like that. "It's upsetting for all of us really," President Bollinger's mother told reporters, "I mean, he had so many great activities on his resume-President of UM, First Amendment scholar, treasurer of Key Club, we just don't know what more he could have done."
President Bollinger's father was also surprised by the rejection. "I thought his essay on using his higher education to help those less fortunate than he was beautiful-he's a real good boy. Maybe we should have paid for one of those SAT prep courses, maybe that would have made the difference..."
Although the letter Bollinger received on Wednesday was not read aloud at the conference, members of the press obtained copies of the rejection, printed on elegant Harvard stationary, which thanks Bollinger for his interest, but cites the overwhelming number of impressive candidates they consider every year and the limited number of presidential spots. After politely crushing his hopes and dreams, the letter wishes him the best of luck in his university career at a large, anonymous state school somewhere in the Midwest.
Despite the consolation of his family, the president himself seemed determined to justify his college career at Michigan, insisting that it had really been his first choice all along. "Just look at all the opportunities you get at a big state school like this," he said, "big, anonymous lectures that continuously remind us there's no 'I' in the 'real world,' great opportunities to interact with GSI's, several of whom actually speak English, a top-notch basketball team..."
After trailing off for a moment, lost in a debilitating haze of self-pity, Bollinger resumed his statement with distinctly acidic tone, taking nearly five minutes to talk about just how unattractive he's heard the girls at Harvard are.
"My friend Steve, who's at Harvard now, he says that he goes to MIT to meet chicks that are more attractive-Havard's like a chick wasteland," he said. "He says all the girls do in Boston is study and eat clam chowder, and when you make out with them it makes you smell like clam chowder, and unless you really like smelling like clam chowder all the time I bet that would really suck."
At that point, Mr. Bollinger's family struggled to ease the distraught president off the podium, only succeeding when his wife promised to take him home to change into his favorite PJ's, drink a nice cup of hot chocolate, and throw several copies Carl Cohen's affirmative action book into the fireplace.
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