Plan That Seemed "Crazy Enough to Work" Does
Ashcroft's Nomination to Attorney General Post Confirmed
Sources within the Bush camp have leaked a revealing presidential memo which, strangely, is written entirely in "Hee-Haw" dialect.
"We're a-gonna staht out bah appointin' us some moderates and some coluhd fo'ks," read the memo. "Like, we could get us that there Colin Powell. He's a good'un. Then we can rustle us up some othahs, like Condeleeza Rice - Daddy liked her - and Elaine Chao. But heah's the good paht. Aftah everyone stops a-carin', we just throws in the fo'ks that we wants, like them senatah friends of Daddy's - Spence Abraham and such.
"But that ain't quite crazy enough to work," the memo continued. "So we're a-gonna appoint us the rootinest, tootinest, Jesus-toutinest, Roe v. Wade-floutinest guy Ah evah met, John Ashcroft. Not only is he with them Christian Right fellers, he up and lost his senate seat to a dead guy. We're gonna spell 'success' with a dubya today!
"Yeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!" Bush added.
America has not responded well to the craziness of Bush's plan. "This all seems like a bad dream," it said. "I hope somebody wakes me up soon."
Ashcroft's unexpected victory, which defied common sense and trivialized all 10,000 of Bush's uses of the word "bipartisan," has prompted the new president to revise his stance on what measures he will attempt to push through Congress.
Bush has radically revamped the reasonability all his proposed legislation from "plausible, if conservative" levels to "aiiiigh, Jessie Helms mated with George Wallace and Strom Thurmond and now the bastard right-wing antichrist of their unholy union runs amok" levels.
For instance, Bush's proposed tax cut, previously aimed at working families with children, now taxes 100 percent of any wages under $75,000 a year, overturns Roe v. Wade, repeals the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments, and declares February to be "Pat Boone History Month" instead of Black History Month.
"Sure, it sounds crazy," said Bush chief of staff Andrew Card. "But? um? okay, it's crazy. But it's crazy like a fox!" Card then made clawing motions and growled quite unlike a fox would ever consider, even if intoxicated.
Bush's new education plan, if passed, would instantaneously resurrect the Confederate Army and disenfranchise women, blacks, Hispanics, poor people, people without plantations, Asians, Mexicans, Canadians, wrestling fans, Sean Connery, and howler monkeys. It could also do some education things.
While most Democrats are dismissing the new plans as "too crazy to work," Republicans are expressing quiet confidence in their new strategy. "Sure, our plans seem crazy now," said Republican bigwig Rush Limbaugh, "but I bet nominating a half-wit who looks like Alfred E. Neuman seemed 'crazy,' too, and now he's Dick Cheney's vice president."
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