Ethnic Group Seeks Offense From E3W

ANN ARBOR-International students from the small, extraordinarily obscure Northeastern European country of Grantisklavia joined in protest against the Every Three Weekly yesterday outside the Michigan Union. They claim that the paper has a very narrow-minded view of which ethnic groups and student organizations it offends, never branching out into more uncharted territory. Like them, for example. "We have a culture full of rich traditions and colorful customs," LSA sophomore Taklak Makipakpak said, "many of which could be misconstrued as silly or wacky. I can't see why we haven't been targeted for ridicule yet."

The protesters engaged in sacred native chants and dances and came dressed in indigenous garb. "We hope that this open show of our costumes and the dancing of the Fookloo will convince the Every Three Weekly staff of the comic potential we possess," said EECS senior Gerald Mzplaktiopyrristo. "I mean, look at this thing I'm wearing! This is called the Pampam, a type of ancient ceremonial outfit that my ancestors invented-at about the same time they discovered special mushrooms. And they can use that mushroom line too, if they want."

"Our names are pretty cool, too," said Glinkoyaartinjacks Marvablatziankorr (female), a senior in the School of Music and the treasurer of the Grantisklavian Student Consortium (GSC). "Their overabundance of syllables and Frankensteinian hodgepodge of clashing vowel and consonant sounds hearken back to the laugh-out-loud hijinks of Balki from Perfect Strangers-or even the irrepressible Latka Gravas of Taxi fame."

"Our country is very small," said LSA junior Krappachappa UlÎntikrachkiya, in the third and perhaps most lamentable attempt at self-satire. "You need an electron microscope to find it on a map, you know? I mean?like?Machu Picchu has more publicity, and it's been deserted for thousands of years! Like?like our country, you know, has only one area code, see what I'm sayin'? And do you know what it is? Our area code, the only one in the entire country, is 1.2! Get it? It's not even a whole area code! I did a cross-country walk once?from my front porch to the edge of the lawn! I tell, ya, man, our-why aren't you writing any of this down?"

An undisclosed writer/editor of the aforementioned satirical newspaper said that, despite the huge target the students have drawn on themselves, the many guilty laughs to be had from their backward culture, and the paper's history of making blatant racist attacks disguised as subtle attacks against racism, these hopefuls are missing a few key elements. "For one thing, they speak perfect English," he explained, smoking a cigar lit by a burning first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation. "Maybe if they had a funny accent of some sort, or said things like 'me no likey,' then they would have a chance. They also seem to have no grasp of the naïveté inherent in truly funny peoples. The point to being laughed at is having no idea why you are so ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to impose Imperialist values upon the various sub-humanoid species of this world."

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