By Any Means Necessary? More Like "By Some Means Not Involving Trash Cans of Spaghetti"!

by intrepid columnist Charles Stansley

We all know and love BAMN, that adorable organization dedicated to Restoring Justice And Equality To Everyone Right Now, Militant-Style, By Any Means Necessary. But, my friends, though they are indeed noble explorers of human rights, foragers in the Forest of Doing The Right Thing, and several other ridiculous titles bestowed upon them by me, your intrepid columnist, I have a bone to pick with them.

You see, dear readers, BAMN claims to do what they do "By Any Means Necessary." But when was the last time you saw BAMN using a twenty-six gallon trash can full of spaghetti to achieve social equality? That's right, never. Never ever.

Never ever has BAMN used the means of a twenty-six gallon trash can full of spaghetti; they've never even used any trash can full of spaghetti, be it twenty-six gallons, two point six gallons, or two hundred and sixty gallons. How can they claim to be using any means necessary? The fight against racism and oppression is too important for BAMN to be recklessly disregarding means at their disposal that seem "outlandish" or "insane."

I, as a former BAMN member, proposed many, many different means that could potentially be used to further the cause of progressive justicismness. All were rejected, and only three had anything to do with twenty-six gallons of spaghetti. I find it difficult to believe that every single one of my ideas, and there were hundreds, had no place in a militant mass civil rights movement thingamajigy. I can only conclude that the leadership of BAMN has been corrupted by power and refuses to think outside the box.

What of the means wherein BAMN members sit on a couch whilst drinking, smoking pot, and watching MacGuyver? Surely our militant mobilized mass movement would be aided if we could learn how to make a bomb out of a mint toothpick and a hockey ticket. What about the means wherein BAMN to builds giant rocket, flies to the moon, and spells out "END RACIAL OPPRESSION NOW" in moon rocks? Such a powerful message could be seen every night by people around the world, but BAMN complains about "feasibility" and "the 'accidental' repeated touching of the vice president's chest," instead of being proactive and really building themselves a mass movement.

Malcom X would be ashamed of these ninnies running around claiming to do things by any means necessary when they haven't even taken a large, pointy stick and thrown it at a bottle of Snapple! I tell you, Malcom X would have attempted to use all these means and more. He may even have implemented some of my odder suggestions, like buying 10,000 copies of "The First Wives Club" and constructing a giant pair of pants with them, or even taking an earplug and shoving it up the nose of a rabbit. These means are necessary, so we must use them! We have no choice!

Perhaps this open letter will reach the leadership of BAMN and stir them to the realization that their current means are insufficient and thus my means are necessary. Perhaps not. But I will try, and this means that the means I must necessarily use are to follow. An explanation is in order: what follows is "slappity-rappity," an invention of mine, and another means, I might add, that shall become the true poetic art form of the Equally Justiced and Socially Approved Forward Thinking Militant Mass Movement, if only BAMN gets hip to its solid grooves, baby:

By Any Means Necessary means that necessary means mean business, by golly any means necessary. Necessary any means by means any by necessary! Means means means! I mean it! It's necessary!

If that doesn't convince you, nothing will.

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