Bush Orders Vouchers to Iraq, Air Strikes on Public Schools
Flummoxed President Mixes up Foreign and Domestic Policies
Frederick Knox, a seventh-grade science teacher, sifted through the rubble looking for his class's prized salamander, Sisqo. "I think I would have thought twice about voting for Bush if I'd known that this is what he meant by 'education reform,'" he said.
Meanwhile in Iraq, hundreds of military installments around the no-fly zone were offered generous government subsidies for private-school educations. As puzzled Iraqi soldiers watched, US planes dropped crate after crate of voucher applications and short but comprehensive handbooks describing the opportunities afforded by private schools and the extent to which the government will fund private educations.
"What the hell are these?" asked Ahmed Saadi, a radar technician at an Iraqi air radar post in Bahebaar, a city at the southwestern edge of the no-fly zone. "And, besides, doesn't this program undermine the U.S. government's philosophical commitment to excellence in public education?"
A little more than a month after his inauguration it seems that President Bush, overwhelmed by the complex and varied responsibilities of the presidency, totally confused his foreign policy objectives with his domestic agenda. Despite early attempts by cabinet officials to cover-up the blunder by claiming that the primary and secondary schools targeted had funneled thousands of free protractors, compasses and periodic tables to the Iraqi ballistic weapons program, cabinet officials were forced to acknowledge the President's colossal political disorientation when news of several other wayward promises made by Bush in the past were leaked to the press.
Among the illogical executive orders made by the President during this period of confusion was a commitment to improve trade relations with prisoners while increasing lethal injections for Mexico; a pledge to the Colombian minister to assist in the war on guns while upholding the American right to bear drugs; a guarantee to provide diplomatic support for the Alaskan nature reserve and open eight percent of South African President Thabo Mbeki for oil exploration; and a promised one trillion dollar tax cut for two pandas on loan from the Chinese government.
Experts believe that the President's series of policy blunders may damage his standing in the diplomatic community. Most outraged was Russia's Vladimir Putin, who immediately denounced Bush's promise to institute yearly standardized tests for all Russians, coupled with another arms reduction treaty with American schoolchildren. (Putin is reported to have scored an embarrassing 950 on his U.S.S.A.T.'s in the early Seventies.)
It was not until this morning that Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer officially rescinded all of the promises made by the President in his period of confusion and assured reporters that the President had been notified of his mistakes and was resting comfortably in the new Chuck E. Cheese's franchise in the West Wing of the White House.
While this concession will certainly clear the diplomatic air for a while, it comes as little consolation for the students of Grover Cleveland or the 699 other schools devastated by American bombers this week. It also does little to alleviate the profound disappointment of Hsing-Hsing and Ling-Ling, the two pandas who were to be the twin benefiiaries of Bush's massive tax cut.
"Man," grunted Hsing-Hsing, "I really could've used that money-I've got a lot of debts to pay off. Ling-Ling's gonna be pissed."
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