Administration Reaches New Peak Of Cruel Irony With Shakespeare Gag

RSC Brought To AA, Kept Away From Students With $7 Billion Ticket Prices

The administration of the University of Michigan-long known for playing funny, but hurtful gags upon the student populace, like North Campus and Wolverine Access-has topped itself once again. This time, the University has brought the Royal Shakespeare Company, perhaps the most famous theatrical troupe in the world, within arm's reach of University students, only so that they can point and sneer at the students as they flail about, searching for the seven billion dollars required to see the full cycle of four Shakespeare plays.

"It's nice that they're coming to campus," said junior Robert Breuer. "I'd really like to see them, but for that price I could fly to Europe, catch the show there, and buy a small Greek boy to perform the sequel I hire Kenneth Branagh and Princess Di to write-no shit that's unrealistic, about as realistic as it is for me to show up with a giant sack of gold and buy two tickets just so I might score with my girlfriend."

For those few who can afford them, tickets may still be difficult to attain. "The top-secret admissions process really started in early 1996, and required two letters of recommendation, a written transcript, and 3 pints of AB positive blood" declared a press release.

"The admissions process really should have started early in the year and involve two letters of recommendation and a written transcript," declared a press release. "Work study options are available and, for those students who cannot afford to be a part of the University community, many of Shakespeare's works are reasonably priced at the downtown Borders."

Students are obviously displeased by the latest administration hijinks. "I already spend so much damn money on classes I sleep though, I should be able to trade in a couple of those $400 missed chem lectures for box seats and a couple of Hamlet Burgers." said LS&A sophomore Kelly Randall. "I pay thousands of dollars for a piece of paper with the word 'Michigan' on it; you'd think the administration could refrain from laughing in my face until after I graduate."

Following Randall's statement, a deep, rumbling, evil laugh emanated from deep within the bowels of the hidden bunker where the Administration concocts its most devious student-injuring schemes yesterday. "Bwaahahaha," it said. "Moohahahaa. Ha, ha, ha."

"Thanks," Randall replied. "Pricks."

The press release has had a revelatory effect on many observers of the University. "This explains everything," said LS&A senior Robert Tonia. "The halo, Tom Goss, the code of student conduct, the constant construction, the fricking Frieze building. I bet Bollinger was talking with Harvard just so somebody feels bad and offers him free passes. Of course none of this made sense when we thought they were trying to help us. Now that I know that we students are locked in a life-and-death battle with the evil, soulless homunculi who run this place I feel much better. Wow, if I could string a few more lines like that into a play I could charge myself the Gross National Product of Sri Lanka to see it performed."

Certain administration officials who remain unaware that their cover has been blown still attempt to explain their latest evil act. "It was quite a stretch for us to get the RSC to come to a place as, well, quaint as Ann Arbor," said Assistant Vice-Provost of Student Affairs Roger Newberry. "They were already worried about having to encounter what they described as 'beer-swilling colonials'-adding students in the mix would probably have forced them to regurgitate their Earl Grey tea and crumpets."

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