MSA Elections: Making Your Vote Count As Much As It Can When It's Being Wasted On Deciding Who's Going To Be On MSA
MSA Elections are coming up, and this year it's not just a pointless waste of chalk and flyers. No sir, this year you can actually 'vote' in these elections! That's right, your vote can make a difference. Well, a 'difference' in the 'everything will be almost the same' sense. Several parties are vying for that vote of yours, and since they can't offer you money for it, you may as well find out some different things about them so you can make an informed decision. Iraqi sanctions and Palestinian liberation hang in the balance, so be careful!We've assembled a quick primer on the various political parties competing in the upcoming election.
The Blue Party
The Blue Party's main ideology is a strong support of Intel's new Pentium 4 processor. They also believe in frenetic dancing, drumming, and unintelligible performance art.
Blue Party members, while incapable of speech, gesticulated wildly to emphasize that you should vote for them.
"First word? sounds like 'goat,'" said official Blue Party Charades Interpreter Theo Wilson. "Um, vote? Vote! Second word, one, two, three? four! For! Third word, um, no, I got it, really, um, quiche? Vote for quiche?"
The DAAP
The DAAP believes that MSA is a crucial civil rights battleground in the "emerging mass civil rights movement," which makes them slightly nuttier than a really nutty nut-bar with nut filling and a creamy nutty covering wrapped in a nut wrapper on a nut shelf in a Mejier's consisting entirely of pecans.
['Vote DAAP: Defend Affirmative Action Party']
Nonetheless, several members of the party are actually University students instead of communists from Detroit, and so are allowed to run. The DAAP platform consists of a bunch of ridiculous slogans and meaningless jargon designed to make white people feel bad about being damn racists.
The Michigan Party
The Michigan Party's hopes rest on the shoulders of Doug "D Cup" Tietz, a man running under the theory that names laced with sexual innuendo always do well on election day.
"[Former MSA Rep.] Peter Handler and [current MSA rep.] Jessica 'I'm Not Wearing Anything Under This' Curtin both proved that most men not only think, but vote with their penises," said Tietz. "Some women may claim this is 'dumb,' but I doubt anyone's breasts could remember my password. Because it's a long password. Really, it's an above average password."
"Really, it is," added Tietz.
The Michigan Party's platform includes such controversial and substantive planks as "Let's Go Blue," "It's Great To Be A Michigan Wolverine Not Affiliated With The Basketball Program," and the sound of a cowbell being hit rhythmically followed by the words "Go Blue."
The University Democratic Party
The University Democratic Party has a carefully constructed platform that provides University drugs to University old people, preserves University social security, and loses the election by a razor thin margin under suspicious circumstances.
The party that the UDP plans to lose to has not been disclosed, however, thus preserving the suspense for the party's loyal members. The UDP presidential candidate, University Al Gore, claimed that more research is needed to determine which opposing candidate most resembles a dyslexic ape.
Hideki And Otto The Space Otter
The other major factor in the election is not a political party at all, but rather a simple man, Hideki Tsutsumi, and his simple space otter, Otto. Hideki is, of course, the incumbent MSA president and Otto is, of course, a giant space otter who enjoys cracking open space urchins with local moons for lunch.
Hideki has had great success with his "gleeful incompetence" school of governing, and plans to continue it if re-elected. "I challenge you to name one thing MSA did this year," Tsutsumi said. "Just one thing not related to illegal subsidies of space otter lunches. Didn't think so."
Tsutsumi remains wildly popular with the normally apathetic student body, but still has a contingency plan should he somehow lose. "I figure I'll pardon Kevin Gaines," Tsutsumi said. "Then I'll probably move to Harlem and start referring to myself as 'the first black MSA president.'"
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