Letters to the Editor

hey're real. If your letter is printed come to the UAC office (4th floor Michigan Union) and please ask Mary for your bumper sticker. You can email us at threeweeks.letters@umich.edu

Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001 21:04:54 -0500 (EST)
From: El Oso del Barba Rojo
Subject: Fred Phelps

Those evil, fig-eating heathen sinners who have not yet seen The Light must view www.godhatesfigs.com . [Link courtesy of webmaster]

Daniel "The Red" Stern

Don't those figs know that they shouldn't be so tasty! It's in the Bible!
-Ed.

Date: Wed, 21 Feb 2001 11:17:58 -0500 (EST)
From: Samuel Ryan Kirk
Subject: Dukos to E3W!

Listen: I have to make this quick because I've got a student held hostage and I threatened that if he didn't let me use his email account, I'd hug him. He's mad as hell, spewing some habeas corpus crap, but since the closest I get to a bath is using the Daily to wipe the sweat from underneath my breasts, he's complying. This kidnapping schtick is a bit BAMN for my tastes, but since you only accept cybercom, and until we wise up and socialize the Internet (and medicine, and music, and...), this is the only choice I have.

Anyway, I'm writing to applaud your paper. It's nice to run across a publication that actually says what it wants to instead of whatever makes its authors or sponsors feel better about themselves. I think it was Joseph Pulitzer who said, "Newspapers should have no friends." When you turn down the award that bears his name, know that Georgia will probably be lounging in the South Main Amoco, trying to keep warm, silently cheering you on. It's difficult for a five-foot, three-hundred-pound bag lady with no lawyer to piss off all the right people, so I mean it when I thank you for towing the ever-fraying line of American free speech.

See, the Flynt-sympathizers have got it all wrong: the First Amendment may in theory legislate our right to make whatever noise we see fit, but the best way to squander this privilege is to self-pity our way into newsstand sales or throw Christ in a bucket of piss just to shock those who insist their kids can't handle it. At least you occasionally poke at the deserving. Y'all write well too, another Tic-Tac in the morning breath of a town that can't decide if a colon is a word for their ass or the name of a Cabinet member. Do I ramble? Piss off! You may look like the last bastion of democratic journalism worth the time it takes to spell it, but your letters to the editor are bona fide yawn. You should thank me, but you'll probably edit the bejesus out of this message, if you even print it at all...

No matter: viva la E3W, you rat bastards, or as we say at the Arbor Brewing Company's homeless breakfast, "Put some more of that shit on this here plate!" Aargh! The little piss-ant's chewing his way out of the caution tape, so I've got to waddle. Keep the word alive and flaying those who earn it for

Your avid---

Georgia Katis

Yes, you ramble. And we will piss off, because your email is so long that I have no room to make witty bitty comments. Bastard.
-Ed

Excerpt from "The Scoop"
whats.thescoop@umich.edu

APPLAUSE
The editors and writers of "The Michigan Every Three Weekly" turned out another great edition this month. The pages were filled with hilarious satiric commentary on life at the U-M and around the world. Picking up a copy provides a laugh while escaping the winter blues. Copies are available at most major buildings around campus, including Angell Hall and the Chem building.

Thanks! Not only can our issues be used to escape the winter blues, they're also helpful in escaping a mental hospital in the Philippines, and managing your kitten litter.
-Ed.

Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001 22:18:21
From: "Dan Bock"
Subject: Gargoyle

Who the hell was that guy that dared to compare you guys and your glorious publication to the Gargoyle? The Gargoyle is not fit to lick the sweat off of your collective testicles. I mean, my main gripe against the Gargoyle is the violence. Why, I was on my way to a class in good ol' Angell Hall Aud. A when I was accosted by two guys selling the Gargoyle. I good-naturedly accepted their offer and produced my wallet when they attacked. One clamped a chloroform-soaked rag over my nose while the other struck me repeatedly about the face and neck with a sock full of batteries. I was then dragged to a non-descript broom closet where I was forced to endure several hours of painful sodomy at the hands of these two brutes. At last I came to in an I-80 rest stop just west of Omaha, Nebraska with my hands bound with duct tape and my liver extracted. In short, it will be quite some time before I purchase a copy of the Gargoyle again. Some of it was nice, like the beating and the sodomy, but is it really worth a whole dollar? I think not. [Link courtesy of webmaster]

That guy was Jean Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada! Well, probably not really, but we like to think of him that way. Sorry about your beating and dollar extraction, but maybe you deserved it. Most people do, so I'm just guessing that you're one of 'em. No offense.
-Ed.

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