Give-A-Way Extravaganza: The Results

Last issue we decided we should give some stuff away because it was taking up too much room in our 1979 Winnebago where we all eat, live, and go to school. Ever since we added 'staffers' who like 'enough room to breathe' it's been kind of cranky in here, so we figured we'd air things out in here by giving away small things.

Remember, all submissions were to have been exactly 13 words.

We've categorized some of the more interesting responses and present them here, for your edification:

Submissions From Insane People

bumper sticker equals hot chicks on roni boyz p niz, wookin pa nub.
baby llama like to take nap nap, baby llama need rest to grow
I desperately need a bumper sticker to reward my android love slave, Fellatio.
My neighbor's three thousand year old dog told me to request a sticker.
I want a bumper sticker because pigs can orgasm for thirty minutes straight.
Remember kids, people like these people are why you should always carry a knife. A pointy knife.

Although the baby llama one does make sense in some way or another. And makes a nice little song you can sing to yourself. Try it, preferably in public and while holding the knife. Quiver for bonus points!

Submissions From Pathetic Sounding People

I need a bumber sticker to decorate my smelly, lifeless, pathetic corporate cubicle.
I want the stuff bad. I need it to make my life complete.
I want a button because Paul gave me a valentine and he's hot.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Hi Amol, please send me a bumper sticker because I really want mail.
These letters make us happy because these people are less happy than we are. Hurrah!

Submissions From Foreign People

Déme una etiqueta engomada del coche y muchachos pequeños sin los pantalones ahora!
Bitte, Geben sie mir einen Knopf weil ich habe ihnen auf Deutsch geschrieben.
I want a phatty bumper sticker because I like silky sweet rubber tape
The last submission was from a gentleman with a @ca.gov email address, which simultaneously explains why it's included in this category and why Canada doesn't have enough money to keep any of its hockey teams. If you desire translations, the first is "Give me a bumper sticker and many little boys without pants now," and the second is "Please give me a button because I've written you in German."

Thankfully, our little pantsless boys supply is at zero and not going anywhere anytime soon, Señor Español, but we can give you a bumper sticker and the address of a therapist.

Submissions From People With A Good Reason

My bumper sticker will torque off the State grad who owns my company.
I want a bumper sticker because my car has an empty rear bumper dude.
I want a button because my daughter thinks I am a square and
I want a sticker to show my Every Three Weekly spirit. Screw Flanders.
A critique of the various added words in this category:

No added words. Fine construction of his sentence.
'dude': boring, but plausible.
'and': interesting syntatic construction. Allows the reader to ponder his deeper, unspoken meaning. Powerful stuff, the best 13 word submission since 1957. Should be nominated for an Oscar.
'Screw Flanders': brilliant deconstruction of postmodernist fads. Quite simply the most moving two-word sequence in the English language. Poetry of the spirit and mind. The author gets a sticker and a NOBEL PRIZE!
Miscellaneous Submissions

If Bush deserves the presidency, I deserve a button and a bumper sticker.
And that's why you get NEITHER! HA HA! No, not really, but still?

Friends, Wolverines... lend me your button! Or would you rather I parodied Milton? :(
Milton? Doesn't he make board games with that Bradley fellow?

I deserve a bumper sticker because I despise the Daily, Review, and Gargoyle!
A suck up, but we like suck ups. Stalkers no, suck ups, yes.

I want a button because no one here will know what it means.
This guy works for some corporation somewhere not connected with the University. It makes us all warm inside to think that other people know about the paper, sort of like when Han Solo sliced that thing in Star Wars.

Jesus.

I'm a fucking dork.

You know, you go your entire life thinking that you're not as dorky as people say you are, and it turns out that they've been right. Totally right, and, despite your new glasses that are sort of hip and your J. Crew clothes, you're still a damn dork and will always be one.

Thanks, mister, thanks for nothing!

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