Sublets + Sangria + Urine = A Bad Time
By Bill MarsoniIf you're thinking about sticking around Ann Arbor for the summer, I think there are some things you might want to know about subletting.
Sure, subletting seems perfect. You get a place, just about anywhere you want, for dirt cheap. You'll probably be taking a light class load or working some easy job. You're probably thinking of Dominick's on a warm, breezy June evening, drinking sangria.
Well, picture your new roommates pissing on you! Imagine waking up as a golden shower of urine-warm, sparkling as the sun shines through it-rains down upon you like wet kisses... of urine! Not so 'perfect' anymore, is it now that you've got urine in your sangria? I bet you'd like to know how to avoid getting urine all over everything. Well, I'll tell you.
The real problem started a few days after I moved in to my brand new sublet last summer. I had just dragged my stuff over from my old house? well, whatever hadn't been burned through by the acidic blood of my old alien roommate. But that's a different story.
My roommates Jim and Barry seemed great. They were always joking, like, "Hey, Bill! Let's have a contest! We'll see who can hold their breath the longest!" I was like, "All right! That sounds so cool!"
Cool until they "helped me out." In the spirit of fair play, they said, they wrapped my neck in rubber bands, crushing my esophagus. I'll tell you I was glad to get out of that one in second place, after Jim collapsed a lung.
When they challenged me to eat a 300-foot extension cord, I thought it sounded a little unsafe. They told me how "cool I'd look," and they even tried appealing to my patriotism. "George Bush would do it."
Yeah, maybe he would, but he hasn't yet. And after he did it once, he certainly wouldn't do it again, this time the challenge upped to doing the "extension cord loop-de-loop." All I can say is, have you ever seen someone with an extension cord hanging out of their mouth, tied to the other end of the cord, which is protruding from their anal orifice? Just try making the best public policy decisions this side of Mexico when you've got to leave your fly down so the bright orange cord can go back up to your mouth!
When they challenged me to let them piss on me every morning while they broadcast the event live over the Internet, was I going to back down? Not Bill Marsoni. I've been through some bad stuff in the houses I've lived in here, but I have to admit that the urine kind of got to me.
The lesson is to pick your sublets carefully. Also, remember, if they're paying YOU to take the room, there might be something a little fishy.
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