Four Shocked By Latest School Shooting

Tragedy Seen "A Mile Away"

CALIFORNIA-Four Americans were shocked last week after learning that a disgruntled student attacked his California high school, shooting two of his classmates. While most of America shrugged and went on with their day after hearing of the renewal of the new 'American Pastime,' the incident still managed to surprise some of the dumb and elderly.

"It just doesn't make any sense," said construction worker Anthony Richards, one of the four who was apparently unaware of the dozens of previous school shootings essentially identical to this one. "We should do something about that! I can't remember the last time something like this happened?of course I have premature Alzheimer's, I just drank a bottle of chicken poison, and I don't care much for news."

Also stunned was Zachary Sowle, the famous 16th century scientist recently freed from his self-imposed cryogenic stasis. "I'm simply astounded: efficient methods of assassination, Frenchmen capable of human speech, butter from a peanut!" he exclaimed. "Truly this future is a land of enchantment!"

Ironically, one of the four clueless Americans, Jessica Wolstan, actually attended the shooter's school. "Once he talked about coming to the school on March 5th and killing two people. I thought he was just joking," she said. "He was always this outsider who just sat in the corner talking to himself about guns. Once, he made this list of students he wanted to kill and drew little x's over their eyes in the school picture. All the signs were there. If only someone had picked up on them... but how? How?"

The fourth person shocked by the shooting, rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs, was unavailable for comment, as he was taping a video for his new "joint," "School Shootings Just Don't Happen No More."

While the aforementioned four people were deeply affected by the tragedy, the rest of the country barely noticed. "It's a horrible tragedy seen many times before," stated NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw blandly before sighing, rolling his eyes, and giving the nation its true craving: XFL highlights. "It was a horrible scene, yadda yadda yadda, child who was a loner, blah blah blah, will be tried as an adult, blah blah blah buy my book The Greatest Generation, it's about old people."

Marion Tyler, the school's head counselor, was also unsurprised by the tragedy. "He was picked on a lot, shunned by his peers, he had access to guns," he said. "I mean, c'mon people, a bus load of retards can finish this story. He'd have done a lot more shooting if earthquakes, fires, power outages, mudslides, and riots hadn't already killed most of our senior class. On the bright side, this makes my job a bit more important the next time we have layoffs. "

In an effort to prevent future school shootings, the district is favoring a measure that would exile any students who were unattractive, socially inept, immature, unsure of themselves, or who expressed their uniqueness in any way. The plan calls for the creation of "Palcatraz," a special school focused on forging social connections and sucking out whatever traits make them individuals.

Meanwhile, the shooting is expected to re-ignite the debate on gun control, fuel several failed attempts at legislation, spark several copycat shootings in other schools, and inspire a TV movie starring Judith Light as a heartbroken yet courageous mother bent on changing the cruel world that prematurely took her son. Life will then go back to normal until the next school shooting, which is scheduled for Monday.

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