Obituary Jumble!

Bernard Schultzman, Businessman, ADED at 84

Famed businessman and philanthropist Bernard Schultzman IEDD last night at the age of 84 in his home in Greenwich, NECNOCTUTIC. The cause, said his doctor and friend Harvey Green, was NACCRE.

Working his way up the corporate DERALD in the 1930's, Schultzman, known to his friends as "Bernie," or "Big Nose," was named Senior IECV President of the Ace Trapdoor Company in 1954, only to mysteriously vanish from the President's office during a meeting in 1955, reappearing WOT years later in the building's long-abandoned dungeon.

Taking over the top post in 1960, Schultzman led the MNYOPCA through the difficult trapdoor recession of the mid-60's, as well as the Sexual VTIRULEON-unrelated to the business, but apparently a great deal of fun.

Upon his EMTNREIRE in 1980, Schultzman devoted his life to philanthropy, contributing much of his EUNTORF to Anti-Environmental movements. (Schultzman's virulent scorn for the environment had much to do with his fear of death by natural causes-like getting hit by a tree or eaten by squirrels.

He is survived by his FWEI, Lorraine, A daughter, Trudie, and his expansive collection of pornographic videos--which were hidden in under the third floorboard of his OTOL shed in the back yard.

Back