Americans Scrounge for Significance in Fleeting Inconvenience
Ann Arbor Students Seek Reassurance, Store That Will Sell Them Beer
At the onset of the sobering 28-hour ordeal, students reported feelings of confusion and fear, immediately followed by boredom and freezer rummaging. "At first, I was completely convinced there was terrorist involvement," said Susan Gardner, a communications student. "But then I stopped listening to the Fox News radio broadcast and slowly emerged from my makeshift bomb shelter, where I had been contemplating gutting my roommatefor three bottles of water and an expired can of Manwich. It was then that I realized that I desperately needed to get sloshed." Gardner recalled attending several neighborhood prayer vigils, at which confused people who, only moments before were not hungry suddenly felt the compulsion to consume large quantities of beer and grilled meat. "We were all a little bit thrown off by the whole thing," recalls Gardner. "It was only after I drew an arrow in my planner from Friday back to Thursday that I could really begin to comprehend what had happened."
Many students struggled to find meaning in the harrowing hours of poorly lit Beer Pong. University student Brian Murray still has vivid memories of the tumultuous night. "I don't know if you've ever tried it," said Murray, "but playing beer pong in the dark is like trying to throw ping pong balls into plastic cups partially filled with beer... but in the dark. Well, I guess that's exactly what it is."
Despite an elaborately constructed makeshift lighting system comprised of three flashlights, some glow-in-the-dark t-shirts, and a vanilla-scented candle stolen from Murray's girlfriend's apartment, conditions were by no means optimal. "Even with all the stuff we had rigged up, that was still some tough shit," said Murray. "But now that it's all over, I'm just glad that everyone was able to make it through without getting hurt, and with getting completely fucked up."
Students who spent the nights of the blackout engaged in non-competitive-yet nonetheless alcoholic-behavior were also affected by the outage. "It was hard to see what you were grabbing to drink," said LSA senior
Aaron Harris, who (ironically) blacked-out on his friend's porch. "I think on Friday I had about six Molsons, some shampoo, and half a bottle of furniture polish. After that, I guess you could say I had my own personal grid failure for about a day and a half."
As the hours dragged on into the evening, the students grew desperate for light, air-conditioning, and inane IM conversations. "It's like they say, you never appreciate something until it's gone," said Riley Johanssen, a university student studying political science. "A few hours before the blackout, I was just lying around without a care in the world. But after the power went out, I'll be damned if I didn't miss that dancing hamster page." With technology at a literal standstill, many were forced to resort to traditional methods of communication, including bypassing the Motorola three-way feature for the more rustic normal cellular phone call. "I was in my basement when I realized I needed to borrow my friend Kenny's flashlight," remembers Johanssen. "But my cell phone was getting slightly less reception than usual, and I was forced to walk upstairs and knock on his door. It was a chilling reminder that our great nation can be brought to its knees in an instant." Weeks after the power has been restored, students have begun to fabricate new, almost monumental significance from a disaster that reached snow-day proportions. The University's Young Republicans have announced they plan to lead a full investigation to determine if any special concessions were provided to the black-out. In addition, after hearing power plants in Ohio may have been largely responsible for the blanket outages, several members of the football team have intensified in their resentment of the Buckeyes. Quarterback John Navarre discussed his lingering hostility toward Ohio State at a recent press conference. "I can't believe we're going to have to share a field with those smug Buckeye blackout causing bastards," said Navarre. "Just the thought of it makes me want to repeatedly overshoot my receivers by several yards."
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