North Campus Officially Renamed "Butt-Fucking Egypt"

Butt-Fucking Egyptians Demand Better Bus Service

The U of M Board of Regents announced Tuesday that North Campus will be officially renamed "Butt-Fucking Egypt." The board decided on the name after rejecting several suggested alternatives, including "Experience Life at EMU," "No Sex and the City" and "Nizzle Campizzle."

"We felt that the old name didn't reflect the reality of the location," said University President Mary Sue Coleman. "North Campus made it sound like it was a small extension of Main Campus, like the Hill or the Heidelberg. In truth., what was once called North Campus is more like a far-off country filled with art students and engineers. And camels."

"Okay, so I've never actually been to North Campus," said Coleman, "but that doesn't change the fact that the University will be importing real camels from the actual, Non-Butt-Fucking Egypt, or as I like to call it, Abasi's Overnight Camel Delivery Service. This is just one of the many campus improvements we'll be making with the four dollars we saved by discontinuing South Quad movie rentals."

"If we get funding as desired," continued Coleman, "we'll soon be replacing Bursley with a pyramid, the architecture school with a slave-driving pyramid-building school, and Sexy Gramps with a mummy. A sexy mummy. Maybe even a sexy mummy with a sexy, sexy curse that causes you to die of slow, painful, sexy necrosis."

But all is not well in Butt-Fucking Egypt. Despite President Coleman's assurances that the camels should help assuage the need for more transportation between Butt-Fucking Egypt and Main Campus, the Butt-Fucking Egyptians will not be so quickly silenced. "They're so ungrateful," said Coleman in an off-camera interview, "I mean, I give them the camels they've wanted, no, needed for so long, and they repay me with nothing but angry demands. Well, they can all go to Hell. And by Hell, I mean the East Quad cafeteria, where we'll soon be installing searing flames and hiring short guys dressed in red to poke you with forks while you wait for the ranch dressing ladle at the salad bar."

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