Heat Wave + Hygiene-Impaired Europeans = Cruel, Cruel Summer
EUROPE- Proving once again that hindsight is 20/20, analysts are looking back at the summer's awful heat wave related events that left Europeans reeling, shaking their heads, and wondering how they didn't see coming the most obvious disaster of the summer, after Gigli.Estimates of body odor-related deaths now range from 20 to 3,641. What troubles most Europeans is that these deaths could have easily been prevented by daily showering and not wearing really, really tight pants.
"If only we'd listened to our kind-hearted American friends," said French President Jacques Chirac. "All those odor-related jokes in Jay Leno's monologues only had our best interests at heart. Now all that's left to do is to pick up the pieces and try to jump on the hygiene bandwagon. It's like the old saying: 'a shower a day stops the stench of decay!' We were wrong to ignore a nation of people idiotic enough to rename their so-called 'French fries'."
Europeans have admitted that their previous way of life was completely wrong, and are reacting acquiescently to the current American occupation of Europe.
"Don't mind us, stinky European citizens," said Gen. Tommy Franks. "Just checkin' for weapons of mass destruction. Be out of here in a minute, I promise."
When he thought the Europeans were not paying attention Franks added under his breath, "And by 'minute' I mean 'never.' HAHAHAHA! God, I'm good."
American efforts to "Americanize" Europe thus far have been described as a hodgepodge of different tactics. Tactics have included mandatory installations of Burger King franchises throughout major cultural centers, relocation of most Renaissance art to New York City - the world's true cultural Mecca, and urgent language instruction camps, wherein uncivilized natives learn to communicate properly.
"I came, I saw, I conquered," said United States President George W. Bush. "Boy, that sounds better in English than in any other possible language. Don't worry, Europe, we'll have you cleaned up and smellin' fresh as a daisy in no time! USA to the rescue!"
President Bush then proceeded to continue his aid efforts by racing Secret Service agents through the canals of Venice in a gondola.
When Bush was asked how his conquest of Europe would improve the region, he replied, "Terrorism terrorism terrorism! Boogity boogity boogity! Give me $56 billion!"
As of September 1, Europe has not seen any further B.O.-related deaths. However, the ungrateful locals are hardly kneeling to the west seven times a day thanking the United States for its valiant efforts, despite their tank-enforced and loudspeaker-blared instructions to do so.
A guy with a crazy foreign name in some God-forsaken country refused to acknowledge the decrease in mortality was due to Ammerican intervention. He explained the new trend: ""How do you say? No . . . shit?" It is autumn, now, yes? Autumn? Heat is gone. No more bad smell."
At the time of the President's visit to Europe Colin Powell, as usual, was somewhere in the White House crying "Why, God, why?" repeatedly.
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