Sorority Girls Convert To Judaism at Shockingly High Rates as Yom Kippur Approaches

"Just Because I'm Not Really Jewish Doesn't Mean I Can't Fast."

A recent survey revealed a dramatic increase in sorority girls observing the traditions of Judaism in preparation for Yom Kippur on October 6th. In an interview with the E3W sorority member Leslie Smith of Delta Lamda Gamma had nothing but good things to say about the upcoming Jewish holiday. "I find the Jewish holidays to be so much better than Christian ones," she said. "Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny... all they ever do is bring luscious, sweet, tempting, creamy Cadbury eggs; flaky, doughy, soft cookies; moist, luscious, rich fruitcake; and spongy, sugary, brightly-colored, artificially wonderful marshmallow peeps... mmm... marshmallow peeps... Sorry, where was I? Oh, right. Jews always look great during the holidays. You know why? Because they fast!"

Sorority sister Kristen Kensington added, "the great thing about Yom Kippur is that it is not only a great way to cut calories, but you get to atone for your sins too. That way, not only do I drop a few pounds, but I can also make up for being such a slut! I learned that in Judaic Studies 101, where I was trying to meet a cute, New York, business-school type. I like Yom Kippur so much that I was thinking of observing it a few times a week. We could make it a sisterhood event! Lovies!"

New statistics from other sororities reinforce the DLG trend. However, Lauren Rosenbaum of Kappa Kappa Zeta believes that support for Judaism should not just start and end with Yom Kippur. "Judaism has so much more to offer than just Yom Kippur. Hello? Has anyone heard of Passover? You are not allowed to eat bread and stuff for, like, a week! But if you really want to prove your devoutness, you can give up all bread, cereal, pasta, legumes, beans, and anything with corn syrup in it. It's kinda like a holy Atkins diet! I know that when the Jews were fleeing Egypt, corn syrup had not yet been invented, let alone introduced to that part of the world, but hey, at least now my ass looks really good in black pants while I observe Sabbath, right?"

In some reported cases, the trend has not stopped with the observation of Judaism. Jewish sorority member Leah Friedman believes converting to Judaism "is all well and good for those stupid blonde bitches, but what about those of us who have grown up fasting, and lived our whole lives with restricted diets?" Friedman discussed her plans to join the quickly growing number of sorority girls practicing Islam. "The month of Ramadan?" said Friedman. "It's like the best thing ever. No eating during daylight for a whole month, and have you seen those black robes Muslim women get to wear? Very slimming. I only wonder if they make them in a thigh-length. I've got a pair of strappy Prada sandals that would look just killer with an extremely-tight-but-modest black robe."

Leaders at several of the University's religious centers have expressed growing concerns over the newly converted masses. "I just hope we can keep these young ladies interested in Judaism the rest of the year," says Hillel Director, Michael Brooks. "They have a way of slipping away from us around Hanukkah. I guess the promise of spiritual fulfillment is no match for the saturated fat content of potato latkes and chocolate gelt."

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