Letters to the Editor
The Every Three Weekly's office-located just down the hall from the Daily's editorial center (now made from 98% recycled opinions)-receives thousands of letters every day from hopeful applicants, eager to justify their grade-school unpopularity. To deal with the overflow, the E3W website has an 'Interest Form' that potential applicants can fill out and send in to join the E3W mailing list. Every summer, hoards of orientees instinctively flock to this site, like salmon swimming upstream in order to breed (Note: Joining the E3W may significantly reduce your chances of breeding.) While we certainly encourage this interest in our paper, the editors wish to point out that the true purpose of the webform is just to get your e-mail address. It is not your golden opportunity to show us how funny your mom has been insisting you are. Like George W. Bush, we believe there should be limits on freedom-especially the freedom to fill our inboxes with blatant, rambling absurdity. In an effort to illustrate what we have to go through to find decent help around here, we present you with some snippets of the (completely real) queries we received over the summer, along with our polite, constructive suggestions.
One: How do the letters o-n-e spell the word one?
Two: How does t-w-o spell the word two?
Three: I have a friend we call a bearded leprechaun, so i will be sure to keep him hidden from el presidente.
Four: There's no hope with dope, buddy. The E3W strongly discourages the use of PCP before completing your interest form, but kudos for protecting your little bearded Irish friend. Watch out for Mary Sue, she'll be searching high and low for leprechauns with Notre Dame in town.
>>I'm really quite the wit. But as to why you should let me write for you, my main selling point is that I'd never be caught writing a feature as abhorrent as "You Can Tell How Much I Love You by the Lack of You Being Killed by Robot Ninjas, Shirley: An Open Letter to My Ex-Girlfriend." Yeah, that sucked.
That's an interesting promotional strategy you have there. For future reference, its may not be your best bet to mock the establishment you're desperate to join. We don't allow hypocrites on staff. Assholes, degenerates, and soulless monsters who would rob a defenseless crippled orphan of her penicillin money are welcome. But you, sir. You can fuck off.
>>I'm funny - seriously, I am. I was always a big fan of me when others merely considered me a bitch, but now I have a fanclub so that has to say something.
Confidence: good. Priding yourself on being a bitch while plot your untimely death: bad. There's a slight distinction. And by the way, having a fan club is not so impressive when you consider the fact that even that fucking Jerry Maguire kid has a fan club. And you don't see us letting him on staff, do you?
>>The reason I clicked "Other" in my "Year" was because I've finished all requirements for a degree in Economics and done my 120 credits for LSA. But I don't get the degree etc. till December '03 so technically I'm still a student. I hope you can accomodate me. Thanks"
The reason I stopped "reading" your "form" was that it was completely random and unnecessary. We're a humorous publication... not the graduate board of review. Technically, you should have just checked "Senior" and gotten over yourself.
>>Hey, I'd like to join! Here's a little more about me...I see the world in a very different way...I'm blind. I'm not very touchy, but I like to get a feel for things. yay, cyncism.
Ok, so this e-mail presents us with a bit of a riddle. This guy is either A) actually blind and would be a great asset to the paper, allowing us to make fun of the handicapped with complete abandon free of the risk of being accused of hating all people with disabilities OR B) not blind at all but instead has the balls to rip on the disabled in an introductory letter. Either way, his chances of getting on staff are looking up.
>>I'm very interested in joining and I have boyish good looks.
What do you mean, boy-ish? Our resident E3W priests are very picky; they're only going to accept the full-out good looks of a prepubescent boy. That's why the E3W motto is "Accept No Substitutes, Especially When It Comes to Anally Raping Small Boys."
>>Hey, I'd like to join! Here's a little more about me...um i kick ass. i write a lot in my spare time, i've written two books. Some eople find me funny, but some find me offensive. last week my freind punched me in the face for calling all hindu-indians 'riverbathers', then i set to showing him most of them do bathe in the Ganges and that since he prefers Indians over black people that he is racist(which he still does not accept). I'm not racist though, i just used the statement to point out he is. Ever since i read your issue in April with the Big Fucking Starfish attacking Cleveland, i have been hooked to your magazine. At orientation me and some freinds decided to stay up all night and at 5 when we were starting to doze off, we started reading it and we laughed really hard then they fell asleep and i took a shower. Anyway, i'm gonna be going into Nuclear Engineering and Radiological Sciences and my schedule affords me a lot of time with which i have no plans for so i'd really like to write intelligent Satire for your paper so please email me back with info about a meeting. THanks"
I started reading this and then I got bored and walked down to the deli and I bought a sandwich and it had tomato and mayo and lettuce on it and I ate it and it tasted really good. Then I took a shower. In related news, the E3W doesn't write in stream of consciousness format.
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