The Rolling Stones to Follow-Up "SARSstock" With Concert in Vegas
Promoters Promise "Greatest Disease-Themed Concert Since 'COLON-POLYPstock'"LAS VEGAS-Hoping to repeat the success of Toronto's tourism-boosting "SARSstock"-a star-studded concert which drew half a million groupies across the SARSrific Canadian border, despite their better judgment-Las Vegas has set the date for its much anticipated "GENITAL-HERPESstock." The announcement was made in response to this summer's Canadian benefit concert, which let the whole world know that the SARS epidemic can no longer be included in the hundreds of reasons not to go to Canada-a list that includes both Mike Myers and New Brunswick. Promoters of the Vegas concert believe the festival will be the best way to let the public know "Sin City" now has fifty percent more effective suppression of new herpes outbreaks.
"We've always promised our visitors a wonderful time full of lasting memories," said Las Vegas Mayor Oscar B. Goodman. "And we're pleased to announce that, after we implement the new suppression methods, those memories are less likely to pop up on your genitals twice a year." When asked what research had led to the finding, Mayor Goodman replied, "Two weekends ago I picked up four hookers on The Strip, completely at random, and had sex with them. A week later, I realized I had only gotten herpes twice. That's a fifty percent decrease! I was so excited that I immediately went in search of another hooker that I could pay with taxpayers' money. Unfortunately, I lost that coin flip."
Many of the SARSstock performers have reappeared on the Las Vegas schedule, including the Rolling Stones, AC/DC, and that other legend of classic rock and roll: Justin Timberlake. "It just makes sense," said Executive Event Coordinator Dale Johnson. "This concert will be the fulfillment of the true spirit of rock and roll: soothing the public's fears about highly communicable diseases."
In a recent press conference, the Stones expressed their enthusiasm over the upcoming concert. "Many of our performances have dealt with this important issue," said Mick Jagger, the Stones' lead singer. "But this is the first time we've tried to remedy the problem by donating our proceeds to fund research instead of giving Keith some ointment." The band hopes to continue this string of disease-combating concerts and eventually increase the number of groups on the billing. "If all goes as planned, by 2006 we should be able to throw a benefit concert next to every Asian kid that sneezes."
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