U of M Physicist Isolates Third Bean From Cafeteria Three-Bean Chili

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Earlier this month, U of M physics professor Alan Tidwellington announced that his team of scientists has successfully isolated the third and final bean from the U Cafeteria chili. The bean has been tentatively named "Clarence McDermott," in honor of Clarence McDermott.

"We're very excited about this discovery," said Tidwellington, whose team received a grant of $250,000 following their success. "It raises several new questions. For instance, is the bean really the basic unit of chili? Or is there yet another smaller particle that makes up the bean? Then again, if there were a particle in existence that miniscule and insignificant, it would already have been the focus of an editorial in The Daily. My team hopes to answer these questions within the next few years, provided someone gives us ludicrous amounts of money to build the world's largest bean accelerator. Maybe we should apply for the University's Eliminated Dorm Movie Rentals fellowship. Then we could finally get a bouncy ball for the lab."

Plans for constructing such an accelerator are already underway, leaving U of M students wondering if maybe their tuition could be put to better use. "This is ridiculous," said LSA sophomore Mark Frederick. "It's bad enough that I had to fund those DAAP kids' bus ride down to D.C. last year so they could stand outside the Supreme Court and whine, but a bean accelerator? I guess this explains why I don't get to rent movies in South Quad anymore."

Despite such criticism, Tidwellington stresses the importance of his studies. "If we don't uncover the most integral parts of bean structure, it will be nearly impossible to write bland textbooks and thus make enough money to uncover even more important physical properties of our universe. For instance, how much salt goes into a good batch of chili? And what is actually in a crispy patty sandwich? People demand answers to these questions--answers that only qualified physicists with obscenely large grants can provide."

Added Clarence McDermott, "Neat."

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