Senate Committee Loses Mind, Allots $87 Billion For Iraq Reconstruction
"Holy Shit," Exclaims Bush, "With All That Money, I'll Be A Millionaire."WASHINGTON D.C.--President Bush's proposed $87 billion bill to fund the reconstruction of Iraq was passed by a Senate committee last Tuesday. The President urged both Houses of Congress to approve the bill quickly and, if possible, in dim lighting.
"The people of Iraq desperately need this money," said President Bush at a recent Congressional hearing. "Believe me, I screwed them and how." When asked how he decided on the amount needed, Bush replied, "Cheney was doing his Vice-President homework and told me to pick a number from one to one-hundred. I paid Colin Powell fifteen bucks to do mine so I could watch the West Wing season premiere. That show is so unrealistic. I've enraged thousands of terrorists and none of them have kidnapped my daughters. Also, nobody here calls me 'Sir.'"
President Bush has fervently denied accusations that the bill will deplete necessary domestic funds. "I would never deprive my fellow Americans of the profits of their hard work. Or, rather, the work that they would be doing if they weren't all unemployed. But they can rest assured because this eighty-seven billion dollars won t affect them at all. Unless of course, you're Margaret Casely of Oskaloosa, Iowa, in which case it will affect you to the tune of eighty-seven billion." When reached for comment, Casely expressed shock and confusion at the President's "$87 Billion Tax Increase for People Named Margaret Casely living in Oskaloosa" proposal. "At first I was overwhelmed by the thought of having to single-handedly provide the means for rebuilding an entire nation from rubble," said Casely. "But then the President told me I could pay the White House in 4,360,902,256 easy payments of only $19.95--plus shipping and handling--so now I m better."
Democrats refuse to be so easily convinced. Senator Tom Daschle spoke out against the bill at a recent press conference. "This bill is preposterous. The Republican White House is asking for such a large sum of money at a time when many states do not have enough money to run their public schools. These children should be our first priority, as they will one day rule this great country. I don't know about the President, but I never want to see the day that our country is controlled by unqualified, dim-witted buffoons." Throughout the lengthy Congressional debates over the bill, the Democrats remained defiant--holding their position even after the President himself assured them his plan was "so crazy, it just might work."
Liberals have also attacked Bush's proposal, claiming the President is attempting to mask his true intentions for using the money to fund his "war machine." In response, Bush has promised the money will be used solely for the purposes of reconstructing the war-torn Iraqi land. "It hurts me to think the people of America question my intentions. I plan to use the money for the sole purpose of aiding the Iraqi people and I will accomplish this goal by bombing Iran so extensively that, by comparison, Iraq will look like Disneyworld."
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