Janet Jackson's Breast Wins Michigan Primary
Right Breast Runs Successful Centrist Campaign
Despite being on the cover of Rolling Stone and Time, no one seems to remember or care about Howard Dean anymore in light of the breast's appearance. In the Michigan Primaries, Ms. Jackson's right breast took 37% of Michigan vote, Kerry 25%, Dean 18%. Kerry rallied supporters claiming that Ms. Jackson's breast's anti-war record is not as clean as it claims; Dean argued he is more electable than a breast because he is an actual human. Political consultants explain that sunburst clad breasts have traditionally been successful in the Midwest; however, the true indication of the breast's opportunities for the party's bid will be its performance in the March 2nd primaries in California, Georgia, and Massachusetts.
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Ms. Jackson quelled rumors that her right breast would choose former 'NSYNCer Justin Timberlake as a running mate if given her party's bid. "My breast does not feel that it can trust Mr. Timberlake to adequately support it. We are currently thinking about various people who we feel will provide ample political lift," Ms. Jackson told the press. "I mean, did that Nixon-esqe jackass really think that anyone would buy his 'It wasn't my fault it was a wardrobe malfunction' excuse?" Experts say that current potential running mates include Al Gore, Joe Lieberman and a purple Body By Victoria bra.
Journalism professor Margaret Murray explained the breast's popularity by telling reporters: "Americans live high stressed personal and professional lives which leaves little time to discuss issues such as same sex marriage, defense spending and getting senior citizens affordable health care. Breasts are titlating. He, he pun."
The breast has been running a campaign focused on lifting the morale of working and middle class American families and separating Republicans into pro-breast and anti-breast factions. Ms. Jackson's right breast's competitors have responded in varied manners. John Edwards responded to the breast's popularity by saying, "Like many Americans, I know what it is to live with out a lot of flash and glamor. When my father worked in the mill, we couldn't afford nipple jewelry." Kucinich released a statement confirming his commitment to a fuller breast economy. And Wesley Clark stated, "I am a general."
When asked about his feelings at the prospect of running against Ms. Jackson's right breast this fall, George Bush said the breast is a suspected terrorist and the FBI is working around the clock to keep an eye on it.
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