Riff-Raff Flogged For Entering Honors Commons

U of M Class Divisions Polarize as Unwashed Masses Seek Cushy Chairs

Tensions between the Honors College and the "Norms" reached a head this week as two LS&A sophomores received corporal punishment after entering the Perlman Honors Commons. Obadiah Shegogue and Woody "Two Scoops" McGillicutty claimed ignorance of any infraction, but were not spared as Honors administration personnel displayed them on a platform in the Diag and flogged the offenders with a cat 'o nine tails. "We don't have any idea how they made it past the retinal scanners," said one official, "but as an extra precaution we left coloring books on the floor just inside the doors. That's where we found them the morning after their trespass, when one of the waiters serving omelets and mimosas tripped over the lummoxes."

In response to this, Woody added, "There was 64 whole crayons, but I only eat three. They sure doesn't taste like blue."

"Ah, churl, how you crave the stroke of cured leather," replied the obviously perturbed official, lashing him several more times. The only effect seemed to be to cause Woody to begin singing the theme song from Diff'rent Strokes, evoking a flurry of ancient Greek expletives and a more pronounced beating from his captor.

This marks just the latest in a series of controversies surrounding the much debated study area. While initial complaints centered around the alleged elitist nature of the lounge, the debate became much more heated when non-Honors students were assigned mandatory shifts to run on large wheels beneath the lounge in order to power various amenities, ranging from shiatsu recliners to pen warmers. It was clear that the battle lines had been drawn as supporters of both sides lined the Diag in distinct groups to watch the public display of punishment. "It just ain't right," said average junior Chelsea Hardsole. "I mean, why do they need a place

of they own to do book-learnin'? And they get them fancy city chairs too; last study hole I was allowed in I had to sit in a burlap sack what was 'tached to a barrel with a roofin' nail."

Opposition leader and outstanding achiever Archibald Knickerbocker III replied, "Are we really expected to take sweet draughts from the crystal waters of the Pierian Spring in the presence of these cretins? Before the lounge gave us a safe haven to pursue our intellectual fancies, I could barely stand to integrate complex functions, the stench was so bad. Verily, they smell like cattle, I say."

Perhaps the most salient point was made by a passerby when questioned about his views on the situation. "The fuck do I care? There are only a hundred thousand places to study on campus; if you wanna study there, go nuts. If not, who cares? Besides, I'm tired of the debate taking up space in the Daily's letters to the editor. We need to get back to the real issues like Entrée Plus and sex in the Grad library."

As for plans to prevent any further unauthorized entries into the lounge, an administration official announced several changes to current policies. "At the time of the incident, we employed a guard named Otto. After his dereliction of duty, methinks there may be an 'Otto-da-fé!'"At this all individuals of the Honors faction harrumphed approvingly while polishing monocles on their ascots, while the common students did not react to the comment, as they were distracted by something shiny on the ground.

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